"Please. Can you calm down and think over it... if you haven't done that yet?"
Three more months to go and the mere thought of it is painful enough. Things will surely change after that. All I can hope for is that they'll remain the same for the time being. I'd like to indulge myself in this temporary moment of bliss. But now, I'm not sure if we'll be able to stay this way till the imminent end when we'll eventually be parted.
Perhaps, I shouldn't have doubted you and pressed you to think over the matter. Now, I'm afraid that you'll come up with a different reply. Despite being told repeatedly that your feelings haven't changed, I still can't be sure of that.
Yeah. They haven't changed. But what if there was nothing to begin with?
I need to have a definite answer...
I'm confused. We don't seem to talk much, do we? Like not more than friends. But when you hold my hand, the feeling is always so warm.
The time I spend thinking about you is both bitter and sweet. No, to be frank, there's more bitter moments. Yet, the sweet moments compensate that all. Whenever I think of just ending it before falling deeper, I just can't. I just want to hold on.
Holding on till I eventually lose my grip and fall into the hollow, bottomless pit beneath...
I used to think that mutual feelings is the only thing essential to a relationship. But no, that's not all to it. As one rationalizes his feelings, it becomes a game of pain.
Walking aimlessly down the street in a cold night, suddenly, it starts to hurt.
Somewhere near the ankle of the right foot. Don't quite remember when I sprained it. Don't know exactly when it started. At least a few days ago, maybe. Sometimes, it just goes away. But sometimes, it hurts everytime I take a step.
Looking up into the sky, there it is, the waxing moon - some distance towards the east, the Orion.
"Southeast from the Orion's belt lies Sirius, the brightest star in the night sky."
Nevertheless, it's more like an insignificant star in the sky, no matter how much it outshines the others.
Down the same path as six days ago. Except that it feels cold this time, even with the gloves on. And, the leg hurts. There just doesn't seem to be anyway to get rid of the pain. The more I neglect it, the more it hurts, as if appealing for me to stop.
I can take it. Just let me go on a little more.
No. You can't. Turn back now. Get back to your room already. It's cold out here and this walk won't do you any good.
Okay. Good enough. Just a little more and perhaps I'll going back.
Somewhere in the middle of the park next to the pond, a guy is playing a sad tune on his guitar. Looking up into the sky once more, the waxing moon is shining faintly through some clouds. Sirius is still shining as brightly as before.
Go. Go back already! The right leg protested once more.
Yeah. I should better return and think of someway to deal with this pain instead of instead of forcing myself to walk down the path. But, I don't feel like going back to the room. I don't want to go back to reality. I feel so like going on...
Throughout the night, we did crazy stuff, like dressing up as "samurai's". Well, we looked as if we were going for a costume party, eh? Oh, we went from room to room to "visit" people, and getting people to pay up the taxes to the feudal lord.
Oh, by the way, that's our Japanese teacher. Shh, she doesn't know I'm posting her photo here. Or else she'd say dame(ダメ)! No!
Yeah, that's when we made that stupid film (if you can call it a "film"). Didn't really had that in mind at that time. We were just filming it ad lib, for fun. (Refer to The Four Samurai, September 25, 2006)
In the morning, we headed for Matsumoto Castle (松本城). The 400-year-old castle is actually 6-storey. The third floor, a dark room without windows was a secret from the enemies. Warriors stayed there during wartime.
We should be able to see the alps but the weather wasn't too good.
There were stuff on exhibition, like this samurai armour.
Guns.
Canons. It's kind of strange to imagine samurai's fighting with these weapons, though.
This used to be the daimyo's (大名) seat. Bow to the feudal lord!
With uneven, steep steps the castle is easy to defend and hard to attack.
A view on the castle's surrounding from the top floor.
The castle, from the opposite view.
Our last stop on the way back was the grape farm （ぶどう狩り), for an eat-all-you-like!
Ah, grapes! Grapes! Fruits are expensive here in Japan, grapes included. This "buffet" was only 1000 yen!
And they're big ones! Like typical genetically-engineered grapes in Japan, you pop the whole grape into you mouth, press it with your tongue, and the skin just comes off. You'll just have to spit it out. GE fruits maybe creepy to some people, but the consolation is you're not eating the chemical.
Just when I thought we'd have plenty of time there, we were told to get ready to head back to the campus before I had enough! Jeez. Don't think I've eaten 1000 yen worth of grapes.
This is a delayed post of the one-night trip we went for on 21 and 22 September. Should have posted them earlier. This pathetic man with a short-term memory can't remember much of the trip now. But, here you go, anyway.
Leaving at 8 in the morning, we headed for, uh, let me think... Sho... Ah, Shōsengyō (昇仙峡) Somewhere to the west of Tokyo, I don't remember which place exactly. It's a famous spot for momiji (紅葉), especially, and there's a waterfall.
This, is the cute little statue found in front of the public toilet. How matching, huh?
The gate.
30m Sengataki (仙峨滝), formed by upheaval of the earth.
Ishimon (石門), literally, "stone gate". Crazy people stick one yen coins into the crack of the stones.
So far, the rivers I've seen in Japan are way cleaner than the cleanest ones back in Malaysia. There was a short news coverage this morning about salmons being found in upstream some 60km from the pacific ocean. That river used to be polluted but much has been done to bring the river back to live. So the brouhaha was understandable. It was a success for the locals. Malaysians still have a lot to learn... I wonder how long it's gonna take before you can start seeing fish in Sungai Pinang. Oh yeah, wait till you see the photos I took in Mitake Keikoku (御岳渓谷).
The tour guide was pointing to one of the cliffs which looked like a dragon when we were in the bus. Couldn't really see it well nor take a photo.
One of the best meals I've had in Japan. Well, after getting used to the yucky food I cook everyday, anything is edible.
Then, we headed for the Suwako music box museum (奏鳴館).
And, guess what! We're given the chance to assemble our own music box! Much to my surprise, it didn't involve any rocket science at all. Just some simple mechanisms. This is the final product. In the report I handed in to my teacher, I wrote that this is for my future girlfriend. Then, she started saying, "Oh, what a coincidence that so-and-so picked the same tune! I wonder...".
Some of the antique music boxes first brought in to Japan.
And this is probably something from the latest Mission: Impossible movie. A bomb disguised as music box.
Sometimes, strange things do happen, don't they? Things that keep you wondering. Like an story with a missing chapter. You want to know what's going on. You can't just not give a heck about it and proceed.
Perhaps, you'll never know what's written there, because you're not meant to know. Or, perhaps, you'll just have to figure out what's "supposed to be there". Or, better, just elaborate it anyway you like.
Whatever is kept away from you, is at best, left that way. Don't insist for an answer.Curiosity, in this case, isn't exactly the right mode. After all, that's the reason curious felines get killed.
"A Rubix Cube is like a dick. The more you play with it, the harder it gets."
Nevertheless, the guessing game just isn't less tricky a business. You may keep guessing, but at the end of the day, you'll only be further away from the truth. I've never been good at this. Heck, I don't even understand myself well and now, I'm trying to dive into the psyche of someone else and dig for whatever is hidden down there?
If you don't know the answer, you just can't tell how wrong you are, right? Might as well let it be so, then...
Hell do I know why I'm doing this? There's just this burst of energy yearning to be released. And so be it. It shall be drained till the last drip.
First lap...
Cold. Cold.
It is impossible to even summon at least the last bit of sanity left. I'm losing myself to this cold. Or, am I being consumed by this vicious flow of unknown energy instead?
Second lap...
There are things which need to be sorted out, I tell myself. That's why I'm doing this. To tap this unknown, yet familiar strength into something constructive.
Fifth lap...
Runnning and running like a lab rat on a threadmill. No. I still haven't found myself. I just pretend to be chasing towards a goal which is not there. When in fact, I'm running in circles.
Or, there is a reason to that, isn't there? The existence of an unseen force - like the gravity that binds a satelite to its orbit?
Seventh lap...
Closing my eyes, I try to feel the force and go along its flow. But, I start to head away from the track. The unseen force is just a product of imagination after all, isn't it? Something which has been unconsciously drawn out from nothingness just to fill the void with a purpose, a reason?
Thirteenth lap...
Oh, come on, will you? There's no point to this self-torturing. You know this well 'cause you've been through this.
Stop it! There is a reason to this. I have to do this because I'm getting consumed by it. And there is a purpose to this. I have to put an end to this, by pushing till the limit, burning it out. So, just shut up!
Twentieth lap... Or... Whatever. Nevermind. Just get tired already and cut this out.
No. Not yet. Not until the last drip is still left. Damn it. I'm tired of this already. Mentally, though. Not physically. How long have I been storing this? And how long will it take to let it all out? Heck.
Perhaps the star will have to keep on burning until it collapse upon itself.
The sand swirls, giving form to the verocious wind as a demonstration of its virility. It howls like a wild beast, threatening to sweep away anything that dares stand in its way. But the man stood just there - a solitary figure. As if with nothing to lose, he challenges the beast to come at him.
The man feels its breath in his face; and its claws, scraping his very skin raw. He bites his lips, and stands unfaltered at the face of the savage. Soon, pangs of pain jolt him awake, coercing him into begging for his life. It was too much for him to take, as the beast tears his flesh apart. He gives in without a struggle, for he knows this is his only way to salvation.
At last, the beast finds what it has been looking for - the soul. Within it, lies all his deadly sins - fear, doubt, grief, despair, anxiety, pessimism, disharmony, impatience, selfishness, greed, egoism, lust, envy, anger, resentment, hatred... All of which has been intoxicating and consuming him for so long a time.
The beast feeds on all these, like a spider would suck its prey dry, leaving nothing but an empty shell behind.
The wind continues to howl its final requiem for the dead man. Only that it sounds more like the sickening laughter of a pack of hyenas after a satisfying feast.
Now, it has only one thing left to do. Bury this unsightly remains under a dune.
In paradisum deducant te angeli, in tuo adventu suscipiant te martyres... ~In Paradisum
"Test's over, right? But how come there has been no news from you recently?" "Uh, busy..." Silence. "Anything else?" "Uh, no..."
It feels bad to be homesick. But it feels even worse when you realize that you're not homesick - because that means there's nothing much, back home, that you miss.
It must have been hurtful... But, sorry though I feel, there's nothing much to say. As if the gap in between is more than a physical distance.
Frankly, I feel more at ease to be all by myself... To put it bluntly, is that probably because I no longer feel any strong attachment to anything or anyone else?
My previous post was the second one I wrote in Japanese and already, I've received complaints from Down Under.
Dan: Udon sushi sashimi! Hibachi benibana teriyaki soba? (Translation: What the heck! How are we supposed to understand when you blog in Japanese?)
Me: Nagasaki Okinawa Hokkaido Yokohama. (Translation: I just want to practise my Japanese.)
Matthew: Tsunami kamikaze banzai, karate judo sumo samurai. (Translation: Yeah, good place to practise when we don't understand at all.)
*Romanised transcript for the sake of "unjapanised" people... to put it in Dan's words.
Okay, okay! That's it. I've signed up for a new blog, for the sake of practising Japanese writing. It's hosted on Goo. (Most probably a name derived from Google...)
心境の吐露 - この空虚な心は… 何か満たされていないんだ…
Kuso hentai baka yaro! (Translation: Have a nice day!)
This, is a pack of pasta sauce. But it is not an ordinary one, because it's made in Japan. Can you spot anything special?
Ignore the Japanese but look carefully at this part.
Yup. That's right. "Food for ages 0-100". Yeah, Japanese do always come up with weird ideas. Remember the "Please take it! You taste just delicious." printed on the label of a can of oranges? (Refer to: Japanese Sense of Humour, May 19, 2006.)
But that's not all. See this small, punched hole?
That, is not done without purpose. As shown in the instruction, it comes in handy when you're heating up the pasta sauce in a pot - stick a chopstick through that hole to get it out from the boiling water.
Who could have thought of such an idea? Only a Japanese would. Because Japanese are usually meticulous to the smallest details.
There's a joke about the stereotypical view on Japanese meticulousness:
Two factories - one in Russia and one in Japan - are given the same instructions to make a particular product. The condition, though, is that at least 99% of the products must be up to a certain quality.
Upon accepting the job, the Russian engineers set off fixing their machines in order to meet the requirement. The Japanese engineers however, scratch their heads, wondering how they're supposed to do that without given "the instructions for making the 1% of defective goods".
Well, compare this with the Malaysian "tidak apa (nevermind)" attitude... No wonder we're so behind... And yet, we're still wondering what's wrong with the nation.
The Four Samurai: Teru Teru Bouzu's Adventure is the English title for 四人の侍：照る照る坊主の旅 (Yonnin no samurai: Teru teru bouzu no tabi). Released on 11 October 1576, what is left today is just a short trailer of the so-called "earliest film in the world". This claim, however is greatly disputed because according to historical records, the earliest motion picture ever produced is not until 300 years later, around the 1860s.
The film is set in the Warring States period of Japan (戦国時代, sengoku jidai, 1493-1573), which is roughly during the period when the film was produced. There are certain parts in the trailer that generated controversial issues and has a great impact on the Japanese history.
In the early part of the trailer, a photo of a Japanese castle is shown. Sceptical experts claim that it is no other than the Matsumoto Castle itself. If the hypothesis is proven to be true, then, the castle must have been completed before 1576, as opposed to the common belief that it wasn't completed until 1953.
Upon closer scrutiny, one may find that the design of the kimono worn by the samurai's in the trailer aren't exactly like those that we see nowadays - the actors draped the kimono over their shoulder like a cape instead of wearing them and fastening it on the waist with an obi. And it seems that long pants (most probably jeans) were common long before the Meiji Era.
Another most mind-boggling characteristic about the trailer is the English subtitle. As we know, English, though hailed as an international language, is not even common in modern Japan. How, then, could the English subtitle appear in a trailer made 430 years ago?
The debate still goes on between sceptics and believers. If the claims about this trailer can be proven, many things we thought we know about ancient Japan has to be reinvestigated:
The technology for producing motion pictures was invented by the Japanese in the 16th century
Matsumoto Castle was built before 1576, the year the film was produced
Japanese samurai's in the 16th century used to wear jeans probably because of its greater mobility compared to traditional kimono
English was probably spoken as a second language during the Warring Sates period
Of course, it is easier to believe that the masterpiece is a clever imitation done by some genius out there who has nothing better to do than to fool gullible folks. But whether it is true or not, watch and decide for yourself.
This trailer is uploaded to You Tube recently by a user who goes by the nickname "Kryptos". Some claim that it is but something even a primary school kid can make using simple programmes such as Windows Movie Maker, and therefore is most probably a fake. The debate rages on.
I woke up this morning and decided that he toot-ed me off. That's normal, actually. People toot me off every now and then. But, thanks to my bad memory, it's no big deal at all - usually.
However, I can tolerate weirdos and psychos more than toot-ful people like him. I don't know how a horny ape can pick up the hormonal scent of a potential mate from a mile away but he's that kind of person that radiates an aura of toot-fulness so strong that I can feel the vibrations from the otherside of Mount Fuji. Unfortunately, for us, like our constellations, our vibrations just don't match.
That brat - even when we cross each other's paths, he never seem to care enough to even say "hi". To him, I'm perhaps just another stone by the pavement - you just don't stop to greet every stone when you're taking a stroll in the park, do you? Not that I don't want to take the effort to initiate a conversation with him but more often than not, it will elicit no response - which makes me wonder if he's either mute or deaf. Nah, forget about it. I'd rather go talk to the tulips. Besides, it's better this way because when he decides to reply, it's often a oh-he's-so-clever quip that toots you off and makes you regret talking to him.
That manipulative brat! How I still remember that when he needed help, he could be oh-so friendly. But after that, he'll just relegate you to the dusty "people-I-used-to-know corner" in his memory.
Calvin complains, "Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words." Yeah. But you also get toot-ed off more often when you don't know any swear words.
Life is without a meaning until someone comes along to lend it meaning.
I've found her. Last week, we celebrated our one-month-old relationship. I know this sounds lame but she means everything to me. I just can't imagine how I managed to spend my first four months here without her!
But, every relationship has its ups and downs - you just don't know how long it will go on. Finding a balance that will maintain the relationship is more delicate a business than flying a kite - hold her too loose and she'll slip away; hold her too tight and she'll, well, still somehow slip away. That, frankly, is what I fear the most.
A few days back, she suddenly became cranky - whenever I typed the letter "b", it refused to appear.
Fearing the worse, I thought the keyoard(sic) was going gaga due to the fact that the laptop - often eing(sic) left switched on overnight for illegal downloading - has decided to reel(sic).
Holy Christ! How can she just do this to me! Not longer than a month and our relationship is starting to fall apart! No! That's too cruel!
But, just like every couple, we made up sooner than you can say "forget-about-her-and-go-find-another-girl". Hah! That afternoon, everything became alright again! That's when I realised how important my Toshiba Dynabook CX/875LS is to me. She defines my life - I can't live without her.
Come to think of it, life in this 3m x 4m room is no better than being confined in a sealed-off chamber; or having a crappy commercial jingle playing indefinitely in your head. In either case, you just feel like cracking your head open.
Now I know why the study table (together with the book shelf) is bigger than the bed. That's how the evil people who designed this room want us to define our lives: spend more time on the study table than in the bed, you lazy bum!
Geez, you @#$?! You're going to hell!
Uh, sorry. I got off from the wrong side of the bed this morning.
Anyway, I was trying to say that most people here in the dorm define their lives by studying, especially the V-mese (not mentioning the nationality lest I get charged for discrimination). Heck, those book-muching zombies... They study more than they sleep!
Me: I notice that you prefer to buy bento's nowadays. Not cooking anymore? V-mese: No time. Have to study.
Me: Didn't you go anywhere during the holidays? V-mese: No. Was studying.
Me: Huh? You just woke up? V-mese: 'Cos I studied till very late last night.
Study. Study. Study. Crikey!
And there's one V-mese who lifts off his mattress and sleeps by covering the wooden planks beneath with the futon. "It's too hot," he explained. But, here's what I heard from a sempai from Osaka.
Curiously, it seems that the V-mese in Osaka do that too - so that they don't fall asleep in the middle of their studies!
Heck, I got distracted by the moon again. No, no. Save your silver bullet for another day. It's not a full moon. You get that only once in every 28 days, dude! This is just a waning gibbous. Interestingly, the craters can be seen clearer than when it's a full moon.
Subject: Waning Gibbous (89% of full) Date: 10 September 2006 Time: 2005, GMT+9 Location: Fuchu-shi, Tokyo (34.34N, 133.14E) Optical Zoom: x12 Digital Zoom: x4
Paragliding パラグライヂング Have been asking Mr Nakamura about paragliding. He tried it last year for more than 8000 yen.
"全然怖くなかった。すばらしかったよ！空を飛ぶのは人間の夢だ！" he said. (It wasn't scary at all; it was cool! Flying in the sky is every man's dream!"
Well, 8000 yen is definitely too expensive. But, not wanting to let us down, Mr Nakamura called up a friend of his to ask if it's possible to offer us a special price. I don't know how he did it but somehow, his friend promised to let each one of us try it for free! Of course we jumped at the opportunity. Who wouldn't?
We're "flying" with the instructor. So, basically, we just had to sit back and enjoy. The lift off, steering, landing, everything was taken care of. All we had to do is to be careful during the touch down. Or else, we'd probably break our legs.
I was the first one to go, so that if something bad happened, I'd have been the first one to die. The trip to the hilltop was a long, bumpy ride. But when we got there at last, I couldn't believe that I was about to fly. With a bulky bag filled with sponge for a smooth touch down secured by a five point safety belt, walking around surely felt like Big Momma with "her" big butt. But, no complaints. Because the only thing which could save my butt was that thing.
I didn't quite felt the lift off; one moment, the instructor was giving the cords a slight tug and the other moment, we were up in the sky. You can bet that it was the coolest thing in the world - to be flying in the sky!
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky I think about it every night and day Spread my wings and fly away
Everything down there could be seen so clearly: the ski resort, the amusement park, Mr Nakamura's pension, the farms... The sun was shining bright but the wind was even stronger.
I would have liked to stay up there longer. But it seemed to take more time to get up there than to get down. Geez. I'd like to do that again - by myself!
Posing for the camera with Mr Nobu, who has been a paragliding instructor for 20 years. He "flies" up to six times a day.
Cora was the next one to "fly". And of course, she had a good time too. Unfortunately, when it came to Laura's turn, the wind's condition turned bad and she didn't get to fly. So was Deki. We came back the next morning, hoping that it would be good enough for paragliding, but that just didn't seem to be the case. In the end, Laura and Deki couldn't try it... Sigh, I hope everyone could have tried it...
(Fun-o-meter: )
Day #11: 28th August 2006 Niseko ニセコ Our last day in Rusutsu-mura. Though we've only been there for ten days, it felt kind of nostalgic.
Mr Nakamura brought us to Niseko in the afternoon. We're kind of late for the sunflowers - they're drooping.
I was hoping that we could see something like this:
(Sunflowers growing near Fargo, North Dakota; Source: Wikipedia)
But, too bad...
Oh, we had ice-cream (again!) and cream puff. They're cheap and yummy!
That's Mt Yotei in the background.
Flying back at night. Back to Tokyo - the crowded, suffocating metropolitan city. Heck, I didn't feel like leaving the place...
新垣結衣 － 赤い糸 (06:24)
Click on "ZAP!" to start playing.
Me, Me, Me
Current Mood:
Nickname: Kryptos
Location: Penang, Malaysia
Who am I: Five feet seven inches tall. A member of a carbon-based bipedal life form descended from an ape.
He believes the cosmos has grand plans for him but whatever his calling is, it has not yet been revealed to him. So in the meantime, he spends the day working as a software developer, and whatever free time that is left, reading books. He attempted reading the bible a couple of times but could not as much as finish the first chapter of Genesis. He will continue again, one day.
He loves his camera as much as he loves his books. He picked up photography when he was studying in Japan. But now that he has started working, he can no longer spend as much time for photography as he used to. He is making a small amount of side income from his hobby and hopes to spend more time shooting again.
Snippets of Monologue
Mon, 1 Dec '08: Cold winter night. I was on my way home without an umbrella. Then voila. God pissed upon me.
Fri, 31 Oct '08: Geez, stupid HDD. Now my blog's template is gone too.
Fri, 05 Sep '08: Set up a photoblog. The link is added down there.
Wed, 20 Aug '08: Back from trip. Need to settle down.
Tue, 12 Aug '08: Mt Fuji yesterday, Home now, Kyoto tomorrow.
Wed, 23 Jul '08: Radio Blog's fixed.
Fri, 18 Jul '08: Sorry, the radio blog is not working. I haven't figured out why.
The blogger is a busy man who tends to form opinions before getting his facts right, just for the sake of saving time. He is also known to be too smart sometimes to understand what he says. A priori, he shall not be held responsible for any opinions posted in this blog. Should you be offended by his subjective and partial views, kindly send him a death threat via email.
ID number: 7058326641205779391
Permalink: http://escapist5.blogspot.com/2006/12/game-of-pain.html
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