Quarter-life Crises

We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end. ~Blaise Pascal

To Myself,

Do you still remember those innocent childhood days, when you used to wonder where beautiful seashells come from? Perhaps from never-never land where wonderful things happen?

The serene, calm bay did not hold much of your interest. Instead, you were more drawn towards exploring the wide, open sea. You thought you’d be glad when one day, you’re old enough to set out on your own course for the land unknown which held sweet promises. You just couldn’t wait to grow up.

Soon, you found yourself old enough to face the challenges of the real world; you knew you were no longer the weak fledgling confined to the nest. However warm it might be, you were eager to leave. And you did.

Without regret, you turned back to have one last look at the tranquil beach which was the only place known to you as home for all these years. The languid waves swept the beach, washing away the footprints that you left behind, and together with them, the nonchalant childhood which you were glad to part from.

The new found freedom was indeed a fresh experience. How glad you were that you’d finally embarked on your solitude journey of self-discovery. You were so sure that you wanted it to remain this way; you preferred to be left alone, to have the carte blanche of doing whatever you want without anyone bugging you. Yes, you wanted to be a solitary voyager.

But soon, the new-found bliss ended as you sailed further into the sea. The real world was not as wonderful as you thought. A storm raged, threatening to swallow you into the violent waters. You clung on for your dear life, praying for the storm to abate.

Yes, it did. And you were thankful that you survived. Nevertheless, there was no way of telling how long would the sea remain calm. You didn’t know when it would try to deliver the next fatal blow. God knows how many were to come. For the first time, the uncertainty of the future made you feel insecure.

You had nightmares; terrible dreams of being chucked into a void where not a soul resided. You cried for help, hoping that someone, anyone, would come to you aid. But no, your voice was only muffled to shameful whimpers.

That was when the feelings of rejection, incompetency and inadequacy set in. You finally conceded your impotence in handling the issues at hand. The harder you tried to undo the knots, the more you made in the process. Perhaps, that was the reason you felt as if you’re being drowned by the ever-pressing demands of life. Just like being underwater, things seemed within reach, until you really reached out for them; they are so close yet so far-fetched. Just like being underwater, you were struggling to hold your breath, but the water pressure threatened to crush your lungs; you knew you had to surface.

For a moment, you didn’t want to be alone. You wanted company. You yearned for the love from that special one whom you’ve been waiting to make her presence. “No, let not sentient thoughts cloud your judgement,” you reminded yourself. Yet, the confusion was overwhelming and you wondered if you were praying for what you really wished for.

My lad, listen to me for once. Doubtfulness and uncertainty come in a package when you’re facing quarter-life crises. But when you happen to gaze upon the starry sky one lonely night, assure yourself that you’re not alone, for there is always someone who’s there with you, that is, yourself.

From
Myself