When Dreams and Reality Run on Parallel Tracks

It's true that my blogging style has changed - not to say the blogging frequency too - since a year ago or so. I don't have to re-read my previous posts (I never do) to come up with that conclusion; I'm aware of the circumstances that lead to this.

It's not that my life has become uneventful these days - there're plenty of things I can blog about. The fact that I no longer bother about sitting down, arrange my thoughts and put them into words, is a worrying sign. This is not motivational at all, but admittedly, I'm beginning to simply accept things the way they are.

Contentedness, what's so bad about it?

It doesn't have to mean that you're satisfied with your life. No, it's not contentedness but apathy, to put it crudely. It means that you no longer care about what's going on. And in extreme cases, it happens because you don't give a shit about dreams and hopes anymore.

Remember those childhood days when you sat next to the window, imagining flying a jet when you grew up, or visiting that twinkling star in the night sky at a place far, far away - nothing was too far-fetched. But in the process of growing up, you're brought back to reality; you start to realize that your dreams are too far-fetched. That's why as adults, we dismiss those thoughts as "day dreaming". It's a "dream" because one day, you're going to wake up and come to terms with reality.

I quote a friend of mine who said these words in a nomikai last week.

人間は誰でも夢を与えられるべきだ。俺は相思う。 (I believe that everyone should have the right to dream.)

It still amazes me how a semi-drunk man could spout words as inspirational as these. It kept me thinking. True enough, without a dream, there can be no motivation. And once you lose your motivation, your life is no different from that of a washing machine.

Angela Aki, a famous J-pop artist wrote a letter to her future self when she was in high school. I was about to do the same after reading that article. Even though I've long passed high school, I wonder what I'd write to in my letter to my future self. About the list of things to do when I grew up? About the girl in the class I had a crush on? About how well I did in the recent test?

But most of all, whatever is the content, would I have the courage to rip the envelope and face my former self, with pride and dignity?

Morose

Browsing through my old posts made me feel like I was reading someone else's blog. Plenty of nonsense, plenty of rambling, plenty of whining.

"What the hell was I thinking about when I posted this?" I couldn't help asking myself.

It is discomforting to realize that how much one can change in so short a period of time. More so when the subject is you, whom you thought you knew so well.

The multifaceted human psyche undergoes a never-ending metamorphosis, unconsciously shedding itself layer by layer over time. It is an onslaught of relentless process, driven by the host's turbulent experiences. When the host eventually realizes, he has then lost his former self, for better or worse.

Sometimes, I'm an active party-goer; sometimes, I revert to this morose, pathetic wimp. "Revert" is probably not the right word for there's no telling which one of the contrastive personalities is my true identity. For now, at least, the former seem to be fighting a losing battle against its rival. This leave-me-alone-I-don't-wanna-talk-to-anyone feeling is getting worse. And no, I can't pinpoint the exact problem.

I started off this blog as my sole outlet for taking out my frustration during times of turbulence. And obviously, I divulge more than too much sometimes. That, coupled with another issue which I cannot address here (because it is another conflict which must be dealt with personally) is probably why the blog has been undergoing a cool-down period.

How long this will persist, I do not know. But I have a feeling that the rambling is going to start again.

Ebb

The words of her ancestor Murasaki Shikibu came to her and she said them.

"The troubled waters
Are frozen fast.
Under clear heaven
Moonlight and shadow
Ebb and flow."

Hannibal made Prince Genji's classic reply:

"The memories of long love
Gather like drifting snow.
Poignant as the mandarin ducks
Who float side by side in sleep."

"No," Lady Murasaki said. "No. Now there is only ice. It's gone. Is it not gone?"

~ Hannibal Rising, Thomas Harris

Feigning a Smile

Still couldn't get myself to sleep.
Got out of the bed again.
This time, I did a stupid test.

Setting the cellphone to stopwatch mode,
I started timing myself.
It took less than 40 seconds
Till the first teardrop.
Almost effortless.

Then, looking at myself in the mirror,
I tried to get a convincing smile within 40 seconds.
But I couldn't even feign one.

Keep Me Warm

Tired,
But, I just can't get myself to sleep.
Crawling out from under the blanket,
I switch on the heater,
And sit next to it,
Hugging the legs close to the chest,
Resting the chin on the knees.

Thank you my loyal companion,
You keep me warm during cold nights,
Though not from within, alas.
Perhaps a sip of booze will do.

The stomach's grumbling,
Demanding for the dinner it's deprived of.
Reaching into the kitchen cabinet,
Just to grab anything for a quick munch.
But, nothing.

I tug myself under the blanket once more,
And clear the head from sullen thoughts.
This time, I'll get myself to sleep.
No, I can't...

Yes, I must.

Reunion and Parting

Every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven. ~Tryon Edwards

Be it the "cheat-kansen" or densha, it was great how they took the effort coming all the way back to Tokyo, just for a small party. I'm usually not the party-goer type, but I'm glad I went.

Of course, not everyone could make it; only slightly more than ten of us did. Even though this isn't really the gang I always hang out with in gaidai, there's the feeling of attachment nonetheless. After all, there's no way of bonding better than by staying in the same dorm for a year. We were an international community in the small campus. We may be gaijins but we feel at home because we are a family, brought together purely by providence. We may be in a foreign land but at least there's a strong sense of belonging among ourselves.

Reunion and parting. The former reminds you of the fond memories: it's an emotional roller coaster ride that brings you back from the present to the past. The latter reminds you of how things are no longer the way they used to be: it's a depressing ride from the past back to the present. Then, you start wishing that you don't have to part again, even though you know that nothing in life is for an eternity.

Not long ago, I've just eventually tuned up to the rhythm of my new life in university, but now the reunion reminds me of the good old days we used to have. The feeling of nostalgia gnaws at the heart. I'm all lonely once more.

Sigh. Now I have to tune back to my life again.

Self-Isolation

I've been watching a Japanese drama, プロポーズ大作戦 (Love Proposal, Monday 9pm, Fuji TV). There's one scene in this week's episode 8 that stirred a certain familiar feeling.

It's New Year's Eve. The gang is about to leave for the beach to watch New Year's Day sunrise (初日の出) like they used to do. Except that this time, Tada Sensei is going too.

"I'm not going," Ken says.

"Huh? Why?"

"I've something to do," he comes up with a lame excuse.

"What is it?" Hisashi asks quite innocently.

"It doesn't matter. Just leave without me."

Shrugging, the "gang" leaves without him.

"What's on that guy's mind?" Hisashi mumbles.

"Yeah, that kind of attitude..." Eri adds, obviously feeling irritated.

What's wrong? Simple. Because Tada Sensei is going along; and Rei's in love with him. That, she confessed to Ken. But she didn't have to tell him. Ken already knew. There isn't much he can do, is there? There's no reason for him to tag along, just to feel awkward and, more still, upset? So, he chooses to give up on her, together with his friends, who aren't of much help trying to make him feel better either.

At times, even the people closest to you tend to be insensitive. That's when they no longer feel as close as they seem to be. That's when you start to drift away from the rest. Happy together, sulk alone.

While Ken's undecisiveness usually gets on my nerves, this time, I cannot but resonate with him.

Sulky Mood

Sudden mood swing again. Shitty. A moment ago, I was thinking of blogging about the hiking trip last Sunday. The next moment, I'm no longer in the mood for blogging. That's how "sudden". Just to post a photo since I'm online.

A feeble attempt at photo-editing using Photoshop, frankly. (Oh, congratulate me. I finally got a copy of Photoshop after getting fed up with the over-simplistic-it's-almost-zen MS Paint.)

About the hiking trip, it was at Ōno Yama (723.1m) in Kanagawa Prefecture. Lucky that the weather was fine. (It had been raining for the rest of the week.)

So long for now. Going back to sulking.

I've Ceased to Believe

People change
More abruptly than the seasons
Things happen
Faster than I can comprehend;
There're
Dreams I've ceased to hope;
Faith I've ceased to hold

Grieving in the corner
Those quiet sobs unheard;
Moping in the dark
Those tears shed unseen
There're
Memories that continue to haunt;
Feelings that still ache

Dreams, hope, faith...
These are the things
I've ceased to believe

But let it be so
For till the end of the days
There's still someone
Who'll remain by my side
I, shall remain loyal to myself

『府中市 Fuchu-shi,12 March 2007』

Searching for the Lost Smile

It's amazing how sometimes, you wake up in the morning and suddenly see things in a different light.

For longer than enough, I've been wallowing in self-pity. Long enough for me to have eventually lost my previous self. I pretty damn know that it's corrupting me, but I've been so acquainted with it that I started to accept it as part of myself.

Looking at the people around me, I realised that it is those who're happy that happiness seeks. Yes, I may get some attention by feeling bad for myself. But in the end, I end up feeling worse. Whether I feel good or bad depends mostly on me. So, why not try to make things better for my own sake?

A change in point of view should be helpful.

Say, when someone purposely tries to make your life miserable, the best way piss him off is to return it with a smile. When someone keeps telling you how lousy you are, thank him for pointing out your weakness so that you can improve yourself.

Undoubtedly, what I went through hurts a lot. But, all the pain that I suffered would be vain if I do not gain something from it. Yeah, easier said than done, eh? What have I gained, then? It took me quite some time to seek it, but I'm glad I eventually discovered it.

Firstly, thank you for being my motivation during the end-of-term exam. The mid-term exam was a disaster and if I screwed up the other one as well, I'd be done for sure. But no, I couldn't let that happen because you were there.

Thank you for the good times you spent with me, although I have to admit that there were bad times as well. I wish we could go on, but just as I get to make my decision, you get to make yours too. Fair and square. I was too selfish to have overlooked that. I've tried my best to try to make things work out, but I can't blame you for giving up.

There're still a couple of questions lingering in the head. Yet, no longer am I insisting on the answers. From now on, things shall be the way they ought to be. Broken promises there are, but I shall not break the last promise I made; and from you, I hope for the same thing as well.

Although a certain regret and faint hope still remains, I've ceased to stubbornly hold on to them. Unpleasant episodes always appear worse when you're going through them. But once you get over them, look back and you'll be proud of yourself for having gone through the obstacle. For that reason, I believe I've grown stronger. I can't tell what other obstacles are there waiting for me but at least, if something unpleasant does happen again, I can just shrug and say, "Ah, I've been through such things. I can make it, alright."

Ups and downs are inevitable parts of life. It's futile to attempt to avoid the downs so what's important is to recover from them. Whatever happens, take your time to get over it but make sure that you learn something from it.

For those who supported me through those seemingly hopeless days, thank you, too. For those whose concern I crudely ignored, I'm sorry but again, thanks.

The search for the lost smile is over. I hope it can stay with me for as long as possible. But, even if I were to lose it again, I know where to look for it once more.

7.40am

7.40am

Hey, are you awake? Can I just go over? I think I'm going crazy.

Set my alarm to nine, but woke up 20 minutes ago despite shutting the curtains the night before. Still kind of dark. I want to sleep longer. Yes, I wan-

Oh, dang. Not that again. Come on. Why does this have to happen again? Especially in the morning immediately after waking up? This is the most cruel way to start the day. Now I can't sleep anymore. Even though I can afford to waste some more time on the bed. I'll probably be alright as long as I make it through the morning. After all, I didn't have problem going to sleep the previous nights... Or, did I?

Just give me something to keep my mind busy. Just anything. Perhaps, like going somewhere far, far away. I don't care, I can just travel by myself. I need to do something to past time. No, not in the room, though. At least, not in the room by myself.

I need company. Please. I'll just sit in a corner so just ignore me, go on doing whatever you want. I just don't want to be left alone.

Don't worry, though. I'll try to be fine. I'm still "timidly strong" enough...

Game of Pain

"Please. Can you calm down and think over it... if you haven't done that yet?"

Three more months to go and the mere thought of it is painful enough. Things will surely change after that. All I can hope for is that they'll remain the same for the time being. I'd like to indulge myself in this temporary moment of bliss. But now, I'm not sure if we'll be able to stay this way till the imminent end when we'll eventually be parted.

Perhaps, I shouldn't have doubted you and pressed you to think over the matter. Now, I'm afraid that you'll come up with a different reply. Despite being told repeatedly that your feelings haven't changed, I still can't be sure of that.

Yeah. They haven't changed. But what if there was nothing to begin with?

I need to have a definite answer...

I'm confused. We don't seem to talk much, do we? Like not more than friends. But when you hold my hand, the feeling is always so warm.

The time I spend thinking about you is both bitter and sweet. No, to be frank, there's more bitter moments. Yet, the sweet moments compensate that all. Whenever I think of just ending it before falling deeper, I just can't. I just want to hold on.

Holding on till I eventually lose my grip and fall into the hollow, bottomless pit beneath...

I used to think that mutual feelings is the only thing essential to a relationship. But no, that's not all to it. As one rationalizes his feelings, it becomes a game of pain.

Cold, Dark, and Painful

Walking aimlessly down the street in a cold night, suddenly, it starts to hurt.

Somewhere near the ankle of the right foot. Don't quite remember when I sprained it. Don't know exactly when it started. At least a few days ago, maybe. Sometimes, it just goes away. But sometimes, it hurts everytime I take a step.

Looking up into the sky, there it is, the waxing moon - some distance towards the east, the Orion.

"Southeast from the Orion's belt lies Sirius, the brightest star in the night sky."

Nevertheless, it's more like an insignificant star in the sky, no matter how much it outshines the others.

Down the same path as six days ago. Except that it feels cold this time, even with the gloves on. And, the leg hurts. There just doesn't seem to be anyway to get rid of the pain. The more I neglect it, the more it hurts, as if appealing for me to stop.

I can take it. Just let me go on a little more.

No. You can't. Turn back now. Get back to your room already. It's cold out here and this walk won't do you any good.

Okay. Good enough. Just a little more and perhaps I'll going back.

Somewhere in the middle of the park next to the pond, a guy is playing a sad tune on his guitar. Looking up into the sky once more, the waxing moon is shining faintly through some clouds. Sirius is still shining as brightly as before.

Go. Go back already! The right leg protested once more.

Yeah. I should better return and think of someway to deal with this pain instead of instead of forcing myself to walk down the path. But, I don't feel like going back to the room. I don't want to go back to reality. I feel so like going on...

Unanswered Questions

Sometimes, strange things do happen, don't they? Things that keep you wondering. Like an story with a missing chapter. You want to know what's going on. You can't just not give a heck about it and proceed.

Perhaps, you'll never know what's written there, because you're not meant to know. Or, perhaps, you'll just have to figure out what's "supposed to be there". Or, better, just elaborate it anyway you like.

Whatever is kept away from you, is at best, left that way. Don't insist for an answer. Curiosity, in this case, isn't exactly the right mode. After all, that's the reason curious felines get killed.

"A Rubix Cube is like a dick. The more you play with it, the harder it gets."

Nevertheless, the guessing game just isn't less tricky a business. You may keep guessing, but at the end of the day, you'll only be further away from the truth. I've never been good at this. Heck, I don't even understand myself well and now, I'm trying to dive into the psyche of someone else and dig for whatever is hidden down there?

If you don't know the answer, you just can't tell how wrong you are, right? Might as well let it be so, then...

The Pursuit

Hell do I know why I'm doing this? There's just this burst of energy yearning to be released. And so be it. It shall be drained till the last drip.

First lap...

Cold. Cold.

It is impossible to even summon at least the last bit of sanity left. I'm losing myself to this cold. Or, am I being consumed by this vicious flow of unknown energy instead?

Second lap...

There are things which need to be sorted out, I tell myself. That's why I'm doing this. To tap this unknown, yet familiar strength into something constructive.

Fifth lap...

Runnning and running like a lab rat on a threadmill. No. I still haven't found myself. I just pretend to be chasing towards a goal which is not there. When in fact, I'm running in circles.

Or, there is a reason to that, isn't there? The existence of an unseen force - like the gravity that binds a satelite to its orbit?

Seventh lap...

Closing my eyes, I try to feel the force and go along its flow. But, I start to head away from the track. The unseen force is just a product of imagination after all, isn't it? Something which has been unconsciously drawn out from nothingness just to fill the void with a purpose, a reason?

Thirteenth lap...

Oh, come on, will you? There's no point to this self-torturing. You know this well 'cause you've been through this.

Stop it! There is a reason to this. I have to do this because I'm getting consumed by it. And there is a purpose to this. I have to put an end to this, by pushing till the limit, burning it out. So, just shut up!

Twentieth lap... Or... Whatever. Nevermind. Just get tired already and cut this out.

No. Not yet. Not until the last drip is still left. Damn it. I'm tired of this already. Mentally, though. Not physically. How long have I been storing this? And how long will it take to let it all out? Heck.

Perhaps the star will have to keep on burning until it collapse upon itself.

Dead Man's Requiem

The sand swirls, giving form to the verocious wind as a demonstration of its virility. It howls like a wild beast, threatening to sweep away anything that dares stand in its way. But the man stood just there - a solitary figure. As if with nothing to lose, he challenges the beast to come at him.

The man feels its breath in his face; and its claws, scraping his very skin raw. He bites his lips, and stands unfaltered at the face of the savage. Soon, pangs of pain jolt him awake, coercing him into begging for his life. It was too much for him to take, as the beast tears his flesh apart. He gives in without a struggle, for he knows this is his only way to salvation.

At last, the beast finds what it has been looking for - the soul. Within it, lies all his deadly sins - fear, doubt, grief, despair, anxiety, pessimism, disharmony, impatience, selfishness, greed, egoism, lust, envy, anger, resentment, hatred... All of which has been intoxicating and consuming him for so long a time.

The beast feeds on all these, like a spider would suck its prey dry, leaving nothing but an empty shell behind.

The wind continues to howl its final requiem for the dead man. Only that it sounds more like the sickening laughter of a pack of hyenas after a satisfying feast.

Now, it has only one thing left to do. Bury this unsightly remains under a dune.

In paradisum deducant te angeli,
in tuo adventu
suscipiant te martyres...
~In Paradisum

Attachments, none?

"Test's over, right? But how come there has been no news from you recently?"
"Uh, busy..."
Silence.
"Anything else?"
"Uh, no..."

It feels bad to be homesick. But it feels even worse when you realize that you're not homesick - because that means there's nothing much, back home, that you miss.

It must have been hurtful... But, sorry though I feel, there's nothing much to say. As if the gap in between is more than a physical distance.

Frankly, I feel more at ease to be all by myself... To put it bluntly, is that probably because I no longer feel any strong attachment to anything or anyone else?

Selfish bastard.