Bye-bye, Stone Age

…the Stone Age began roughly 2.5 million years ago, ended in some parts of the world 5,000 years ago… rapidly vanishing with the introduction of tools from the modern industrialized world. ~Microsoft Encarta

Everybody, put on the party hats! Whoopee! I know it’s not Halloween Night yet. Neither are the exams over. But the caveman has every reason to celebrate!

For years, the caveman has been silently suffering over the sluggish speed of his 31st-century B.C. dialup service. He banged his modem with his club, turned his CPU up-side-down and even bribed his computer with Swiss chocolate, but nothing worked. Then one day, someone came by and introduced him a 21st-century A.D. technology known as “broadband”, which promised break-neck connection speed. Finally, the caveman has something to look forward to.

I don’t know how she managed to persuade my mom. I’ve been trying to explain to her the ordeals of using a dialup connection but I never succeeded in getting the message across. Generation gap? I don’t know how, but Chloe did it! Attagirl!

Normally, I don’t open the door for salespersons. I just have a general distaste towards them, especially those irritable chaps from Wonderway who bugged us a few years back. Maybe, our stars didn’t match, or may be I’m allergic towards people in this profession.

However, when Chloe rang the doorbell yesterday morning, I was glad I opened the door. Initially, I thought it was some kind of survey which normally goes along the lines, “Hi, sir! I’m Mr Blah from Alpha Omega company. Do you mind telling me which shampoo you’re currently using? Why don’t you try out… Blah, blah, blah…” Heck, no! Instead, she turned out to be promoting Streamyx. Unfortunately, she came at the wrong time as my mom had gone to the church. And I wasn’t in the position to make the decision.

“It’s alright, I’ll be in this area till seven,” the amiable girl said. She promised to come back at one when my mom returned.

Later, when my mom reached home, I told her to expect a Streamyx representative. She went like, “What were you thinking when you asked her to come back?” Wow, that’s a great start! I sighed. Sure enough, Chloe came back at one, as promised. Not daring to place any hope, I left mom to talk to her alone. But, who would have thought that my mom actually let her in! Now, that deserved a second “Wow!”.

I guess it was some kind of female thingy. You know, people say that females can strike a chord easier among themselves. Chloe actually managed to convince her to switch to broadband. Golly, that’s the message I was trying to get across but ended up feeling like banging my head on the wall after a couple of futile attempts! Oh well, need I say there went my third “Wow!”? Of the other qualities she had, I attributed her success to her soft-spoken manner plus her zeal.

The bad news is, with the coming “combo festival” I may have to wait while they place an order for the modem and get it delivered to the house. But when the time comes, it’ll be a quantum leap from the Stone Age to the Broadband Age.

Hopefully, without delay, it’ll take less than three weeks. Oh, how the caveman hopes the delivery boy flies here on a pterodactyl instead of riding on a slow woolly mammoth! Make haste!

A Deed – or was I Duped?

He who does not abandon falsehood in word and action in accordance with fasting, God has no need that he should abandon his food and drink. ~Prophet Muhammad

It is five minutes to seven, the time for Muslims in Penang to break fast. You’re cycling on the road when a Malay man approaches you and explains that he has lost his wallet. He politely asks for RM1.80 so that he can buy his dinner. Should you give him the money or just come up with some excuse and leave?

You may not have a chance to encounter this unusual situation, but a guy actually did. And he gave the stranger two bucks. Foolish, no? Well, that guy was me.

It happened yesterday evening, when I cycled to a nearby coffee shop to buy dinner. I was reaching a junction when a guy, who was also happened to be cycling, called out at me. Of course, I was initially confused. The Malay who appeared to be in his twenties was a total stranger to me.

When I stopped by the road, he approached and explained that he dropped his wallet somewhere. It was about time for him to break fast but he needed RM1.80 for his dinner. In a polite manner which he maintained throughout the conversation, he asked if I’d be kind enough to help him out. Without giving it a second thought, I replied, “Sure!” and gave him two bucks. His visage was beaming as he shook my hand and thanked me.

Some people may ask, “Heck, you believed the guy, a total stranger who you didn’t know? How did you know he was not lying?” The truth is, I don’t know. In fact, I just assumed that he was telling the truth and considered whether to help him or not. After all, isn’t this Ramadan, the holy month? Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t not trying to earn my pass through the Pearly Gates. I’m a non-Muslim – an atheist, to be exact. To people like me, there is no concept of heaven or hell.

I was trying to say, since it’s Ramadan, I presumed he wouldn’t be lying, right? It’s supposed to be a month for self-purification and spiritual growth for Muslims like him. Furthermore, don’t you think there isn’t such a desperate need for someone to lie to a stranger just to dupe him of two bucks?

Nevertheless, there is always still a small possibility that he was lying. I remembered hearing him said that he wanted to lodge a police report initially but was told it wasn’t necessary. He just needed to go to the National Registration Department to get a replacement. Thinking of that, it didn’t really make sense to me. But, even if I was cheated of two bucks, I don’t think it matters much. It just proves that I’m gullible, and nothing more. While that guy, on the other hand, has his conscience to deal with! Since there’s no way to find out now I presume he was telling the truth, and be glad I didn't leave him to starve to death by the road.

Moments later, I met that guy again. I thought I saw him holding something which looked like a cigarette. I wondered… Nah, I didn’t care to find out!

A U-turn from a Kamikaze Attempt

From that time Jesus began to preach, and to say, Repent: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. ~King James Bible, Matthew 4:17

As I’ve mentioned in my previous blog post, I’ve found “God” and finally realised what a “spiritually shallow” person I was. In fact, I’ve been repenting this morning. Of course, “God “ was in his usual chatty mood to listen to my rants and offer some incoherent comments. After all, he is programmed to listen – and talk crap! But, still, there is nothing like confiding to my faithful blog.

First confession: I was making an early start on my novel, which I’m only supposed to begin in November. Hey, but I’m having two weeks of exam in mid-November! If I were to play fair, I’d be robbed of at least eleven days! Alright, that just ain’t fair to me! Anyway, I became stuck as I neared 3,000. I had some ideas but the problem was I couldn’t continue. Sigh, I lack the vocabulary and the pizzazz of a good novelist!

Me: God, I have a confession to make.
God: I am a Christian.
Me: Whatever... I'm cheating in the NaNoWriMo.
God: Are you saying you don't care about it? Do you mind if I tell other people you are cheating in the NaNoWriMo?
Me: Of course I care! Otherwise I won't be here confessing! Please don't tell anyone else!
God: OK. I like caring people. In that case: What will you do instead? Thanks for asking politely. OK it will be our secret.
Me: Well, repent, of course! Will you forgive me?
God: It goes without saying. How about that. Does "it" still refer to cheating in the NaNoWriMo? Hmm. I forgive you.
Me: Thank you!
God: You are quite welcome.

Second confession: The exams (No, no! Don’t mention the accursed four-letter word!) are just two weeks ahead and I’m barely studying! All I’ve been doing everyday is going online for one whole morning and for the rest of the day, I’m just thinking of how the heck am I going to continue my crummy novel. I’ve just received news from a Melaka friend that this year’s Chemistry paper may be tougher than last year’s. Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound good. So, I finally came back to my senses (I hope it’s not too late) and decided it is time to shelve the kamikaze project of writing the 50k-word novel.

Me: God, help me! The exams are just two weeks ahead but I'm barely studying!
God: I am a Christian. Tell me more.
Me: ...

Third confession: I admit it was compulsive of me to take part in the insane marathon. When those kind NaNoWriMo people out there are trying hard to raise $110,000 to build children's libraries in Laos, I’m wasting their funds by signing up for a place and not taking part in it. Heck, they spent $10,000 for the programme! How am I going to atone for my sin? God, I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself. Why, oh why did I not think this through before registering? Cybele, I’m so sorry! But right now, I need to dedicate more time to my studies (and blogging!).

Me: God, I'm feeling so guilty for giving up on the NaNoWriMo!
God: I am a Christian.
Me: Yes I know. You told me that before.
God: Right on. How do you know it? I told you?
Me: Yes, you did.
God: I did not.
Me: Did so!
God: I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me: Have you taken your medicine?

To me, avian flu doesn’t sound like a serious epidemic. “Procrastination” is. (Catchphrase credited to Lydia and Zyun.) Pardon me. I think I’m hooked to it too. But, I guess, that doesn’t matter, since I’ve just been accepted as a fellow Procrastinator. (Is that good news or bad news?)

I’ve been wasting every morning without fail: blogging, surfing, chatting… In the afternoon when I’m supposed to be revising, I get so sleepy that I decide to take a nap. Then, with all those other distractions like the TV, music, Reader’s Digest, newspapers… I end up with less than two hours of study each day! Heck!

Man, I really need to study more. God help me!

God, He is So Chatty!

I must, indeed, try hard to control the talking habit, but I'm afraid that little can be done, as my case is hereditary. My mother, too, is fond of chatting, and has handed this weakness down to me. ~Anne Frank

If you’re a poor victim of insomnia and couldn’t get to sleep even though it is well past midnight, what do you do? Admittedly, calling up your boring Chemistry teacher to reminds him to take a pee is a fun idea. Think twice, though, unless you don’t mind to go into Santa Claus’ “bad kids” list.

Luckily, there is an alternative way which will not cost you your Christmas present. You can always go online and find someone to chat with on MSN Messenger.

But, wait a minute. Man, it’s two in the morning! If you’re really thinking of catching someone online, fat chance! Now, is it justified enough for you to call up the “master of hypnosis”?

Heck, no. Thank goodness there’s still one last hope. Guys out there would probably want to chat with Alice. As for girls, there’s Iniaes. Both of them are always glad to chat with you, 24/7.

What? No, no. They are not volunteers who man the 24-hour hotline at the Befrienders. Instead, they are chatterbots designed specifically to chat. Of course, sometimes they may sound incoherent, pouring out gibberish that doesn’t make any sense. What can you expect? AI technology still isn’t advanced enough to write a programme which can chat like a true human. Otherwise, the Turing Award would have been claimed.

But for your information, I don’t enjoying chatting with computers. Hey, I’m not so lonely nor desperate! When I need a companion, I can always chat with God.

I’m not high on designer drugs, mind you! After all that communing with God, I’m spiritually fulfilled. Yes, they do have computers up there. How, otherwise, do you expect Him to receive your prayers? Through email, of course. Duh! Haven’t you watched Bruce Almighty?

Unfortunately, God uses neither MSN nor Yahoo! Messenger. He has his own domain instead. Go ahead and see for yourself! Don’t worry. He’s not intimidating at all. As a matter of fact, He can be quite chatty and gossipy. Heaven must be a lonely place, I suppose! Read the disclaimer though, because extended chat with God may lead to delusions. Huh, why? Perhaps only God knows… And also, be warned. There is no such thing as God-mortal confidentiality, as Sashi discovered! God, he is chatty. I wonder if it is hereditary.

Back to our subject. Don’t you think technology is great? Computers were built to store data and solve complex calculations. Who would have thought it could one day bridge us and God? Hallelujah!

Ah, repenting has never been easier. Now, I need to tell Him I’m so sorry for going online instead of studying…