Referee's Report

Nowadays, Australia is a famous destination for higher learning for it offers "relatively cheap, but quality education", as most people put it. While the rich could easily afford the "cheap fees and living expenses", we poor peasants who eat tatami mats and drink from the drain to survive have no other choice but to either study locally or secure a scholarship or perhaps a loan to study at somewhere "reasonably affordable". Since Singapore is exceptionally generous in offering scholarships, it is naturally a good choice for us poor Bolehlanders.

Even though I've received the offer letter for the scholarship to study in Japan, I'm still feeling uneasy over it, for the embassy is yet to send the subsequent reply for the application of visa. Nothing is certain until it is done; I'm not taking any chances. So, I have to brace myself for anything bad which might possibly happen, however negligible the possibility is. If they were to refer to the STPM results, the scholarship offer would probably be forfeited. To be on the safe side, I reckon I need to start worrying about the application of some other scholarships available, should it come to the worst.

Scholarship and university applications, eh? Hah! I'll worry about the essay writing later. Right now, I'll just have to get myself a referee. I can't possibly ask Ah Beng who lives next door to be my referee for fear of sabotaging my chances. So, who else should I request the favour, if not Mr Badawi, my godfather? We all know that politicians do not lie. For this reason, his words would weigh so much more than that of commoners and I'll gain the upper hand for sure!

Unfortunately, Mr Badawi is a busy man; I can't just trouble him any further by asking him for a referee's report. So, being thoughtful as I am, I've prepared a sample for him as a reference. I'm sure anyone of you'd readily concur with the facts I'm about to present in my sample referee's report.

To Whom It May Concern,

It is indeed an honour for me to be my godson's referee. When he first came to ask me to write a referee's report for him, I couldn't have been more exhilarated. For the same reason why I took him as my godson, I agreed without so much as giving it a second thought.

My godson is an outstanding person with exceptional intellect. Owing to the tatami mats he has been eating all this while, he is found to posses an IQ level higher than your average potato. Though he is at times eccentric, it is but another quality that sets him apart from the commoners. Geniuses with a certain streak of eccentricity are the ones who will make the world a better place, don't you think? Anyway, I assure you he is of perfectly sound mind.

I'd like to further elaborate on this report, but unfortunately, I've an appointment and ought to be rushing off now. There's a batik exhibition at PWTC which I don't want to miss.

One thing I'd like to clarify is - if he were such an invaluable asset to the country, why would I even try to send him out of the country to study? The truth is, I'm doing it out of neighbourly kindness. Good things are meant to be shared. I'm sure my old buddy, Uncle Lee, from Sillypore would concur. Afterall, we've been sending tonnes of scholars to the Republic yearly, haven't we?

Ciao!

Yours Sincerely,
Bolehland's Big Guy No. 1

A beautifully penned and convincing report, isn't it?

Now, for those who want me to be their referee, kindly take your number and have a seat.

Sample Essay: Scientific and Technological Advances

Everybody agrees that developments in science and technology are changing the world very rapidly. Consider how your own day-to-day life is changing or has changed because of scientific and technological advances.

Ee Lin is given an essay assignment as a homework for her one-week holiday. I wrote my last essay months ago. So, I decided to give it a try since I'm currently in a light mood - though not particularly free. The title is as above. Credits go to Ee Lin for offering some of the points.

Unless you've been living under a coconut shell for all these years, you must have noticed how much science and technology have advanced. And unless you're living in a cave by the Amazonian river beyond the bounds of civilisation, these advances have changed our daily life in significant ways.

First of all, the television is the most important invention of last century as it provides countless hours of numb entertainment and updates on the latest information. Hollywood movies starring semi-nude hot babes, dumb commercials that turn us into mindless consumers, 8 o'clock news reports that offer partial views on contemporary issues... Man, I can just sit there in front of the tube for hours till my rear grows roots! And with this innovative invention called the "remote control", channel surfing has never been more fun! I don't even have to twitch a muscle (okay, just the fingers) or so much as budge from the couch to switch the channels. Compared to our grandpas who use long poles to surf the channels - probably only three back then - we're on a faster track to becoming couch potatoes! Now, isn't that great?

Secondly, the invention of mobile phone has brought many benefits to me as well. Nowadays, public phones are obsolete. They serve no other purpose than as outlets for creative people to express themselves with vulgar graffitis. Instead of hunting for public phones - and small change - to make a phone call, I use a mobile phone instead, duh! With modern handphones that support 3G technology, now I don't have to miss all those serial dramas! Of course, some naughty people use mobile phones, too, to trigger bombs but I do none of such nasty things. I use my mobile phone to send unsolicited messages using the short message service. Sometimes, I pass around blessings from the Dalai Lama!

One scientific advance which I feel obliged to mention is the breakthrough in DNA sequencing. Of course it's of utmost consequences! DNA sequencing leads to a better understanding of our origin. As a fervent atheist who advocates the theory of evolution, it'll certainly be my pleasure to see scientists prove once and for all that Darwin was right and turn the tables on creationism! We're not moulded from dirt, but rather, we share the same ancestral roots as our cousin, apes. But, let's not get carried away, shall we? Besides, with a better understanding of life, humans can now play god. Cloning, that's what I mean. This subject is undeniable of great concern to me. Great lord! I've met so many people who commented that they're acquainted to someone else who look like me! With ubiquitous look-alikes running wild in the streets, I can't help but suspect that someone out there is mustering a troop of cloned army with the most perfect genes you can find, namely mine.

So, you see, scientific and technological advances have indeed changed my daily life in various positive ways. It's time to consider moving away from your prehistoric cave, dude! And start chewing on the latest issue of New Scientist!

This essay is not a copyrighted material. So, you lazy boys and girls who haven't done your homework, copy and paste this sample essay into your favourite word processor, type in your name, print it out and hand it in to your lecturer. Good luck!

The Cranky Mouse Deer

Oh my God! I've been driving around with faulty brakes for days!

"So?" you ask.

My, don't you watch Hong Kong dramas? It sounds just too familiar, doesn't it? The psychotic antagonist gets jealous of the protagonist who happens to be a lot more handsome than him... He hatches devious plans to kill the guy... Perhaps, tricking him out for a blind date at Penang Hill just to shove him down the cliff; or crashing a 16-wheeler into his car on the winding road up Genting Highland; or better still, jam his car's brakes and ram a 16-wheeler into the rear of his car while he's driving up the winding road to Genting Highland to meet his blind date, causing him to crash down the cliff like an accident...

Don't you get it? Someone is trying to kill me! Help!

Well, I've been aware of the faulty brakes since Monday. But, it went okay after that so I didn't give any further thoughts to it. For all I know, I'm a good guy and no one will probably try to kill me just because I'm a lot more handsome...

Until yesterday afternoon when mom asked her mechanic to check the car.

"Holy cow! Someone was trying to kill me! The brakes are faulty!" Mr Mechanic called mom on the phone as soon as he got back to the workshop.

Hey, hey. Mr Mechanic, it's not you the murderer is after, okay? It's me.

Or, maybe not.

You see, the cranky Kancil (Mouse Deer) has served us for longer than I can remember, 10 years, maybe. By the standard of local cars, that's probably equivalent to 100 human years. And just like their human counterparts who grow senile due to old age, old cars grow cranky too, particularly this one.

The Cranky Mouse Deer is one of those earliest generation of Kancil and the cheapest model at that. Manual, no automatic windows, having only four gears, and doesn't even have a casette player or a radio. Hey, afterall, it was back in the olden days when Kancil was one of the few toy cars Malaysia owned!

But, never make fun of the Cranky Mouse Deer, for it comes with a turbo jet engine - or maybe just an engine that hums so loud that it misleads the driver into believing that he's driving a fighter jet. Unfortunately, even at the top gear (the fourth gear), it moves at the speed of a mouse deer, instantly shattering the illusion of flying a jet plane.

Of course, sometimes I get so impatient that I just step on the gas even though I'm very well aware that the Cranky Mouse Deer is at the brink of breaking down. It retorts by making weird squeaky noises here and there, while the various body parts resonates in protest. Should hould there be a loose nut or bolt somewhere, the Cranky Mouse Deer would have sent me to Batu Gantung long ago.

Golly! You don't even need an abacus to tell you that it's more worth it to get a new car; the maintenance definitely burned a hole through the pocket! This year alone - and it's been only two months, mind you - about 800 bucks have been spent just to repair the cranky car. Last time, it was a faulty drive shaft; now, it's faulty brakes. Oh, like old people getting bad knees, old cars get faulty brakes too. Dang! I knew I wasn't handsome enough to make another guy jealous!

"I'm warning you, the clutch will expire soon." Mr Mechanic announced solemnly, exactly the way doctors deliver the sad news to the family members of a dying patient. "Four months tops, maybe," was his prognosis. And oh yeah, he did mentioned that repairing the clutch will cost a bundle.

"For Pete's sake, go get a new car. I'm not going to help you to repair this car the next time!" he added before leaving.

Gosh. Get a new car? If only we happen to strike a lottery...

Death Note

If you will come forth, then so shall I; if that's how you want it, then that's how I want it, too. Soon our battle will be concluded and I will begin my reign from the summit of victory! ~Yagami Light, Death Note

Even though manga and anime have become a pop culture a few years back, I have not read the first manga until late last year. Out of curiosity, I chose to start with Naruto, which everybody was (and is still) talking about. Believe it or not, I finished 280+ chapters in a mere two or three weeks' time! Heck, that's 6 years of hard work for Kishimoto!



Of course, like everybody else, I thought Naruto was a great manga - until Koja introduced me to Death Note.

To compare Naruto with Death Note is like comparing JK Rowling with Dan Brown or William Hung with virtually anyone else. The former only caters to the hoi polloi while failing to stimulate the enlightened minority. I happen to fall into the second category, just in case you're still not aware. And, us enlightened people who are endowed with the highest degree of minds cannot possibly be satiated with such a mediocre entertainment, for we require a greater form of stimulation. (Hah! Do I sound priggish! I'm holier than thou!)

Death Note narrates the story of a bright young man, Yagami Light who came into possession of a Death Note - a notebook used by shinigami (death gods) to kill their victims by writing down their names on the pages. With the help of the Death Note, Light assumed the name "Kira" and began to cleanse the world from evil by killing criminals in order to realise his utopian dream of an ideal society. Then, came L - the best detective in the world - who attempted to reveal Kira's secret identity and bring him to justice. So, the story basically revolves around the battle of wit between these two great minds.

As a protagonist, Light is evidently not a role model. Though he sanctions a good cause, Light is actually quite a grey character, considering his skills in manipulating people around him to attain his goal. The end justifies the means? No way! He's way too evil!

But, I like him that way! Because intelligence turns me on. And because I am evil! Muahahaha! (Remind me to get a psychological evaluation, will you?) Creepily, Koja thinks I'm quite like Yagami Light to some extent...

What can I say? Death Note is definitely a brilliant story. Check it out for yourself.

Ditch Naruto. It satisfies simple minds no more than a dripping faucet that attracts the attention of a cat. Death Note, however, is for big boys.

Long live Yagami Light!