Double-crosser

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. ~Mark Twain

...while a lie can live on forever - provided that you can live a life which is full of lies, because it only takes one lie to beget more lies.

Unfortunately, I couldn't. Because I have to stand up for what I believe; I have my principles to adhere to. Because, I'm the kind of person who does not wish to be lied to, "unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth".

So, I did what I believed was right. And here I am, ended up as a pathetically untrustworthy double-crosser. For all I know, I could have been sentenced to the gallows. Or stoned to death by sunrise. Or burned at the stake. Or drowned in sewer. Or thrown into the Amazonian river to feed the piranhas.

To begin with, it was none of my business. I could have stayed mum and pretended as if nothing happened. If only I could keep it for one more day, things wouldn't have to end up this way.

Sorry, I couldn't. Because I had a part to do with the lie. It has been tugging at my conscience ever since, for I knew there was no way for me to live with it.

Now, it has become my business. Just because I couldn't keep on lying, I betrayed someone else's trust, even possibly losing a friend that I've just acquainted.

I didn't know who was right. Or wrong. Till now, I still don't know. I thought I'm going to feel better by telling the truth. But, no, I'm not.

Perhaps, it is right after all to say that "he who cannot lie does not know what the truth is". Sometimes, the truth can be so hurtful that it is better to masquearade it so as to avoid unpleasant conflicts.

The world is full of lies. For heaven's sake, try to live with them! Stop trying to become George Washington the goody-two-shoes. Sometimes, honesty just doesn't apply and not everyone can take it the way dear George's father did. Wake up, you idiot! You're not a hero for breaking the truth on behalf of someone else!

What is done is done. Yet, I'm still doubting my actions.

Even though I'm being repeatedly told that I'm not being blamed, I just can't help taking it as a sarcastic remark. It supposedly didn't ruin any friendship, but at the very least, I've done a convincing job proving myself to be a faithless person.

Should I have kept the lie or should I have let it out... I don't know. But one thing for sure is, what you think is the right thing to do is often not the best course of action.

Sorry.

What a "Friend"

"Hey, can you come out now to accompany me at Gurney Plaza?"
"Huh? In such a short notice?"
"Please... I'm really bored!"
"Oh, uh, okay, okay. But not so early."
"Heheh, I'll introduce you to my friend."
"Huh?"

Fishy, no? Of course it was! He didn't tell me the whole story on the phone! But, I, being such a kind friend, didn't not have the heart to say no to him. This guy came all the way from Butterworth to Penang island and there must be a reason why he got "really bored".

"What are you doing here by the way? It's Valentine's day!" I asked.

The explanation given was that he asked his friend out, but his friend brought another friend along, and now they were sticking with each other, neglecting him, the poor guy.

Okay, reasonable enough.

That wasn't the exact story...

When I went to the bookstore to meet him, the look of relief on his beaming visage was evident. "How glad am I to see you!" Phew! For the moment, I thought he was going to give me a bear hug!

"So, you're here alone? Where are your friends?"
"Oh, they're in the washroom. You don't suppose me to follow them to the ladies room, do you?"
"You'd better tell me the whole story now."

And here's everything.

He asked a girl out for a date - it was Valentine's Day, remember? - but that girl being/pretended to be unaware, brought along her friend. My friend, of course, was upset about it. So, he decided to get someone out to accompany the other girl while he spent some private moment with his dream girl. He probably called up a dozen of other guys who already had appointments (ie, dates) on this big day, before asking me, one of those few poor, forlorn singles.

"So, that's it, huh?" I remarked.
"Hey, I'm giving you a chance! And she's good-looking!"
"Oh, you're such a "friend"!" I couldn't help being sarcarstic.
"I've even bought movie tickets for you!"

Jeez, a movie? How nice and how thoughtful!

In fact, He-Is-Such-A-"Friend" bought tickets for two movies - only that he didn't count the two of us in for the second one. So, I was supposed to "take her somewhere" while they watched the show.

Gah! That certainly got too far! I felt awkward as having a blind date! I didn't really mind since I didn't have a girlfriend to explain to. But, this girl was a quiet person and it can be rather frustrating when you're the only one trying to keep the conversation going. Besides, it was Valentine's Day. I'd have to give lots of explanations if I were to bump into my friends.

And, you bet, we did.

There was a change of plans. He-Is-Such-A-"Friend" ditched the tickets for the second movie and decided to take his date for dinner. But before that, he wanted to take her for a stroll at Gurney Drive and buy some flowers for her. I, on the other hand, had to bring my "blind date" for a walk around the complex while waiting for them.

At the ground floor, we met a couple, who both, were my schoolmate - Greetings. Teasings. Explanations. More teasings.

At a coffee house, we met my ex-colleague and his wife - Greetings. Teasings. Explanations. More teasings.

There were a few more couples whom I knew, but I didn't greet them. Phew! That really saved me lots of trouble.

And so, the whole awkward episode ended with the three of them going off for dinner - I'm sure my friend wasn't pleased with the odd number - while I rushed off for a barbeque an hour late, thanks to my "friend"!

Alright, I'm done clarifying. Sigh.

Detachment

Originally written in Chinese:
“老板，我要洗照片。”
“有底片吗？”
“有，在我脑海里。”
“怎么洗啊！”
“我怕某天我会忘记…”

"I'd like to print some photos."
"Do you have the negatives?"
"Yeah. They're in my memory."
"How can I print them for you, then?"
"But, I'm afraid I might forget..."
~ Chung Ling Sixth-Form Graduation Magazine, The Waves 2005

Seldom do I take photos. I guess this is partly because I'm camera-shy, and partly because I'm sentimental. Even mere memories are enough to overwhelm me with nostalgia; let alone photos that serve as reminiscences of the past.

Of course, there're always memories worth reminiscing. Unfortunately, through the passage of time, even the sweetest fruit will turn sour; even the dearest memory will turn bitter, for time is the greatest theif of all. It reminds us of the heartless truth that we do not even own the present. All things go with time's relentless flow while we can only hold on to their phantoms; the memories they leave behind.

Being somewhat aloof by nature, making the decision to leave the country is no big deal at all. Afterall, without attachments, there's not much that I'm leaving behind. I can always make a fresh start elsewhere. But, that's what I thought.

These few weeks have been totally enjoyable compared to my usually nondescript, routine life. Quite contrary to my more-introvert-than-extrovert nature, I've been hanging out past midnight three days a week, having fun and meeting fantastic new friends of sorts. Now only I realise how much I've missed... and how much I'm going to miss.

Unfortunately, everyone's leaving Penang. It's only a matter of who's going first. When will we have the chance to gather and have fun like we had, only heaven knows. Even by then, things would have changde; the future is full of uncertainties. And for one thing, we can no longer be able to enjoy ourselves as carefree teenagers.

Despite being initially thrilled, suddenly, what is in store for me makes me feel utterly feeble. The scariest part is I do not know what's ahead!

For now, I can only hope I'll derive enough mental strength from somewhere, somehow, to cope with the detachment which I'll have to face.

Revelation

Speechless...

The question led to a state of confusion. "Don't tell me it's true," I thought to myself. I was curious to find out, but was too confused to pursue the matter any further. Surely, I wouldn't be let off so easily, would I? Furthermore, the twinkle in the eyes suggested there was something more to it.

Little did I know it would lead to the revelation. How everything seemed as if it was premeditated. The truth is, the whole episode sounded rather bizarre. Though I was given the warning, still, I found myself caught unprepared.

Of course, I suspected something for quite some time. Been there, know what it is like. I'm not a wooden stump, for goodness sake. Even a narcissist isn't oblivion to the people around him. But, I brushed aside my silly inference, dismissing it as a product of my overactive imagination. You know your instinct can't be trusted if you're the kind of person who constantly fantasises.

Alas, I've never thought my unreliable instinct could've been proven to be true. And what's more, to find it out in such an unexpected way added to the shock.

How did I feel? Confused. Doubtful. No overeaction. On the contrary, I didn't know how to react.

Imagine you're an agnostic who has been doubtful of God's existence all this while. To you, you don't care to find out whether there is a higher power because whichever way it turns out, it doesn't matter much to you. Then, one day, you meet God in person. You're baffled. Now, you know He's for real; yet, you dare not believe it is true.

Well, I guess that's the best I can describe how I feel.

What am I supposed to do? Brush it aside once again and pretend as if nothing happened? That's the only way I could think of. I admit my impotence in handling such situations. I'm sorry.

Would things be better if I were not told of this? But, nevermind, no one's at fault here, I guess.