Bolehland Boleh?

We have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practise either. ~Mark Twain

Located directly above Lion City is a queer land with strange happenings. This place is none other than Bolehland, as we Bolehlanders fondly call it.

Of course, our country did not get this name without a reason. It owes its humble origin to M , our revered former Big Guy No. 1. You see, M’s prowess as a politician was greatly noted in the twenty-odd years with him at the helm. During his tenant, M led the nation into a whole new era, introducing ambitious schemes and visions. Unfurled 14 years ago, the “Bolehland Boleh” plan was set to modernise the nation. Needless to say, we Bolehlanders look forward to that day but whether the dream will realise is still an unknown.

If the progress of a nation is to be judged by the efficiency of its Government, be assured that M’s vision is not beyond our reach, because here in Bolehland, the Big Guys are a highly-efficient lot. Hey, we’re talking about a bunch of people who can propose a new idea, hatch the plans overnight and approve it the next morning before you can say “voilà!”. Never mind about the details. They can be ironed out later.

Here in Bolehland, politics is the Big Guys’ game and never dabble in it for no one knows exactly what happens behind the stage. But as a rule of thumb, the Smaller Big Guys should never even think of opposing the Bigger Guys because once Zeus up there finds out, stray thunderbolts shall shower upon the defiant. And when dark secrets come popping out of the pan like pop corns, chances of escaping are nil. These people are very well aware that there is no point insisting on their innocence because the Commoners don’t really know what happened exactly; the other Big Guys are mere nimbys who know better than to interfere. Not in my backyard, man!

Sometimes, the wind of politics can change directions more often than our monsoons. First, Big Guy No. 1 flicks his finger and his wish shall be the Smaller Big Guys’ command. Whatever it is, there will surely be no opposition. In fact, everybody cheers and nods in acquiescence. But when Big Guy No. 1 leaves the round table and passes the baton to his successor, everyone starts to have second thoughts. Then, they are talking about reverting to the former way. Such is the case with our teaching medium in schools.

Speaking of education, I can’t help mentioning the fact that our youngsters are growing smarter and smarter than the previous generations, thanks to our system of education. Never mind about those Dragonlanders learning tougher maths than we do in Bolehland. We believe letting our children learn more could only turn them dumber. Heck, the statistics speaks the truth! We are having more high-scorers each year.

The odd part is that each year there are top students who somehow couldn’t secure scholarships from the Government. Year after year, the same thing happens even though Mr. Big Nose gave his promise that such cases will not happen in the future. No, you don’t need a psychic to predict that. The press would then highlight such sensational topics and Big Guy No. 1 would descend from Olympus, demanding Mr. Big Nose to look into the matter. There will be lame excuses given by the Mr. Big Nose but the issue gets resolved nevertheless.

Here in Bolehland, the right to practise any religion is stated in the Constitution. But, when someone tries to unite people of different faiths, or discusses religious issues in coffee shops, or builds giant teapots which easily qualifies an entry in the Book of Records, he is called a deviant. Such teachings are considered occult practices and the Government starts to give pressure, while some openly denounce the leader. When some religious fanatics finally decided to burn down the teapot, the case did not gain much attention from the authorities than a terrorist attack.

I really hate to brag but we Bolehlanders are a sympathetic lot, ready to help out those in need. When disaster struck our neighbour countries last year, the public responded overwhelmingly, eager to become good samaritans to lend a helping hand. Some donated money, some donated food; some donated worn out undergarments, some donated unwanted belongings. You name it, we have it. So you see, when it comes to giving help to the needy, we are always there. Never mind about our country folks whom we promised to help. They can wait.

Recently, the Bolehland Boleh plan sparked new interest as Big Guy No. 1 reminded us that we have only fifteen years left to realise our dream. So, do you think we can achieve our goal? There is no doubt we can! Because we Bolehlanders believe that learning more doesn’t mean becoming better; because we Bolehlanders have strong faith in the infallible Big Guys; because we seriously think Hollywood movies are a negative influence to our youngsters. And on top of that, we pray to God regularly.

God bless Bolehland!

ADD-ing to My Woes

Let us not consider mental illness an excusing condition. By treating offenders as responsible human beings, we offer them the chance, as I see it, to remain human. ~Thomas Szasz

As you may have found out, I have an inexplicable habit of diagnosing myself with strange disorders. If you recall, the latest one was the insanity (KSS) syndrome. But me going nuts? No way! That was as nonsensical as the Gobi Desert being swept by flood.

Dr Quack was proven to be wrong, then.

But, now, as if there isn’t enough frustration for his perennial headache, attention deficit disorder (ADD) is added to his list of woes.

I am not aware of when it started but of late, my attention span has become terribly short. A moment ago, I may be listening to you but a moment later, I’ll be drifting off in the sea of ether.

Take, for example, Babbling Bob who has the uncanny knack of constructing complex sentences. Imagine the following conversation in which he profusely recounts his swashbuckling weekend.

“Did I tell you that last Saturday, when I was hanging out with Groovy Gary – you know, the guy whom I introduced to you that other day when we met in the library – we bumped into Simon and his lass who looked too hot for a geek like him!”

You can safely bet that I paid no attention to anything after “Goofy Gary”. (See what I mean?) Instead, I would prefer Simple Simon’s version.

“Last Saturday, I went out for a date with my girlfriend. We met Bob. He was hanging out with Gary. He was so envious of my hot girlfriend. He called me a geek!”

Simple, precise and straight to the point, though it certainly will not earn Simon a distinction in his English essay. Nevertheless, that’s just the way I like; it doesn’t tax the mind.

But, such a mental handicap doesn’t affect much of one’s life – unless you have a “benzenophilic” Chemistry teacher who, unknowingly, manages to draw sixty benzene rings on the whiteboard during his one-hour lesson. Nope. Naturally, I was not the one who did the counting. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t following after the fifth ring.

I just ran a search on ADD in Encarta and found that this disorder is also known as “minimal brain dysfunction” or “minimal brain damage”. I don’t know about you but these disgraceful names sound as if I was involved in a head-on collision with a charging rhino... Which I must say I can’t quite recall when, where, or how it happened… I mean, how else can you get a brain damage?

A quick look at the characteristics of ADD patients quite confirms my fear.

“They may… make careless mistakes”. Bad. That’s a check. I am really careless in mathematics.

“… seem to daydream.” Uh oh, another one.

“… constantly touch things.” Yeah, I always play with my pen.

“…hyperactive.” Frankly, I have no particular interest in benzene rings and would easily fall asleep as some “benzenophilic” wacko starts indulging himself in drawing those kekulé structures on the whiteboard. As soon as he leaves, I would be jumping around, not because of joy, but just to awaken myself. Does it qualify as hyperactivity?

So, I guess that’s a positive… Sigh… Please bear with me and always remind me to take my daily dosage of Ritalin.

P/S: Hey, I missed out this one just now. “They may constantly arrive late for appointments.” Whoa! That makes me think of someone! Heh heh!

A Tempest in the Teapot

If someone is dancing on the TV and I want to make him deaf, I can do so immediately even if he was in London. ~Ayah Pin

A giant teapot in the middle of a plantation estate? Hmm… Sounds like a scene from Alice in Wonderland. (Wait till you meet Mad Hatter!)

Indeed, that was my reaction when I first read about the Sky Kingdom community. In fact, there are more bizarre structures – an umbrella which looks like a merry-go-round minus the horses, a vase to collect water from the aforementioned teapot (Who would drink from a vase, by the way?), telaga zam-zam (the legendary well that bears mystical powers), an assembly hall which resembles a palace of the Malacca Sultanate.

However, the introduction won’t be complete without mentioning the 65-year-old “Mad Hatter” who is being treated like a royalty.

But this guy is no ordinary oddball. Ayah Pin, as he is fondly called, is the cult leader of the Sky Kingdom community.

You see, since time immemorial, religion has bring us good as well as equal harm. Different creeds has brought to much discord between men. So, here’s where Ayah Pin comes in – he claims that his teachings could unite people everywhere regardless of their faith.

Well, if he is not seeking for world domination but bear good intentions instead, why not let him have a try?

The problem is, Mad Hatter’s pretend game got a little bit too far. When you start to make incredible claims of having super powers, people around you generally start to treat you with distrust. Hey, dude, we’re talking about a man who is able of “killing or maim someone by mere thought” and “can read people’s mind and has eyes everywhere”.

Hail Professor Xavier!

The plot gets more dramatic as it thickens; it unfolds as in the X-Men 2 movie. The government eventually took the first move in the attempt to eliminate the sect which is said to be spreading deviationist teachings of Islam. When police raided the commune in Jertih a few days back, instead of finding Mad Hatter sipping tea with Alice in the garden, he was no where to be found.

But in an interview with journalists, he claimed that he did not “elude” from police. In fact, he saw them coming but it was them who did not see him. I guess he knows some of David Copperfield’s disappearing acts!

Being an illiterate, Ayah Pin understands no other language aside Malay. But he is allegedly very knowledgeable and “knows more than Bush”. (Considering the general opinion about Bush’s intelectual level, it’s weird why a knowledgeable person like Ayah Pin would condescend by comparing himself with Bush.) Anyway, he is described as “omnipresent and omnipotent” by a follower, who deems Ayah Pin as the “God and creator of the world”.

Okay, so this guy has the power to hypnotise, at the very least.

Perhaps, one of these days, we should pay this magnificent man a visit. Meanwhile, care to have a giant cup of tea?

Life's a Hike

Does the road wind up-hill all the way?
Yes, to the very end.
Will the day's journey take the whole long day?
From morn to night, my friend.
~Christina Rossetti

I’ll never understand why I did it again and again despite the fact that I’ve always dreaded the ascend to Penang Hill. Even though gasping for breath like a dying fish on land, there’ll still always be some energy preserved for me to grumble to myself.

Stupid me, why do I come here in the first place? Anyway, withdrawing from the competition is not a choice I’d make. It hurts the ego badly. Heck, I’m no coward. If the last place is reserved for me, then let it be. But I’m going to see it to the end somehow!

Perhaps, it is plain masochism that drives me up the hill all these times. This year was no exception. Once again, I found myself participating in the school’s annual hill-climbing competition with such confidence and egoism which, I knew dead well, would break down half-way up.

As usual, less than half of those who were eligible turned up yesterday morning. Those with valid reasons aside, there were of course also some who withdrew out of cowardice, giving lame excuses. Accept my humble salute to all those who were present and willingly took up the gauntlet to challenge themselves.

To me, hill-climbing is always the best way to put one’s determination, perseverence and mental strength to test. Some people lack the confidence and think that they won’t be able to make it due to physical constraints. However, I’ve always opined that, for the average, it is rather the psychological aspect that is the actual impedance. In fact, if you care enough to ponder, there is always a philosophical link between hill-climbing and life.

A rule of thumb for hill-climbing, as is the same case with life, is never look too far ahead. If you’ve gone up Penang Hill before, you’ll know that it is wise not to look up the slope because the moment you do, you’ll find your willpower flattened by the sheer steepness. “Sigh, I’ll never make it!” you think to yourself. Instead take one step at a time. I make it a point to remember not to look further than two feet away from me. In that way, you’ll find the road rather level.

But then, it doesn’t mean we should live in a state of ignorance and denial. True, looking into the future is an appealing prospect. It helps you to plan yourself, you’d say. But, what if you could only catch a glimpse of a bleak future? Will you be able to tread the path with as much confidence? Unless you have an unbeatable mental strength, you may give up half-way. After all, the future is shaped by the present. Without first taking the steps laid in front of you, there is no way of knowing what will the future be.

Once in a while, upon turning and looking behind, you won’t believe you’ve come so far. What would have seemed impossible suddenly becomes possible. At the end of the journey, the pleasure derived is the sweetest and the past seems to be merely a hike despite all the hardship.

Now, I know why I’ve been doing it all these years. It is the sense of achievement which serves as a motivation. Reaching the hilltop proves all the effort worthwhile and gives me a sense of achievement; a great boost for the ego. Forget about going to motivational talks; hill-climbing offers you the most meaningful lesson about life.