The Last Straw

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit." ~Bill Maher

Sometimes, life can be so cruel. Disharmony in love life, work-related stress, depression, conflicts… All in a sudden, everything seems so bleak when one seemingly comes to the end of the road. It eventually doesn’t take much before the “snap” comes with the last straw. That is when one starts contemplating to hasten his/her departure to the realm where no traveller returns.

The news of her death came as a shock.

Even though suicide cases are oft reported in the newspapers nowadays, it is totally a different story when that happens to someone you know–it sounds totally like a nonsensical possibility to you. “That can’t be true,” you keep telling yourself.

But, how can I not believe the truth when the newspaper has already reported her tragic end?

“We didn’t notice anything amiss,” the report cited her relatives and colleagues. Yet, just because someone looks all right, does it really mean he/she is really fine?

As I searched my memory, all I could gather of her is a quiet lady with a mild temperament. I still remember those rebellious days when we refused to reach the lab on time. As I recall those few occassions when she reprimanded us for being late for her class, my conscience couldn’t help sending me a tinge of guilt and remorse. Anyway, she didn't show her temper most of the time. Many people would have mistaken her as an easygoing person and thus, would at times take her for granted.

Again, as I always say, while some people find it relieving to spill everything out, others prefer not to. A sorrowful person may be masking his/her grief with a smiling face but do we realise the ragged soul struggling beneath? There were times when she looked so troubled, staring blankly, as if she was deep in thought, or so I observed. She seemed to be keeping problems to herself. However, who would have given much thought to such a “trivial” matter then?

Christianity condemns suicide as a failure to uphold the sanctity of human life. In fact, it was decreed as a sin by Saint Augustine. But from the perspective of an atheist, I feel that one should have the right to decide the way to end his/her life. All the same, “judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy." Unless one doesn’t leave any attachements behind, "the crime of suicide lies rather in its disregard for the feelings of those whom [one leaves] behind", to put it in E.M. Forster’s words.

Suicide is a unique phenomenon observed only in humans. Isn’t it odd that the more intelligent we are, the more complex we become? Perhaps, there are times when we need to learn to let go of our ideals and accept life as it is. After all, Providence doesn’t always let things be the way we wish. Still, if one manages to overcome the ordeal and make Providence laugh on the other side of his face, isn't that a sound reason to keep going?

"I Work Miracles!"

Of course, before we know he is a saint, there will have to be miracles. ~Graham Greene

“I work miracles!” That was the first thing GG told us. At the instant, I knew my impression on him was definitely not going to turn good. Frankly, I just couldn’t clear away any prejudgments I had of him when he, with such orotundity, declared in his booming voice that he had made “miracles” before – a classic example of a braggart.

One thing I was quite disappointed was that he was speaking in Chinese. I’ve heard of how terrible his English was when he gave the speech in the other classes. Not that I didn’t know that. Two years ago, when he was still a student in our school, he took part in some public speaking contest. Though he didn’t care to properly pronouce a bundle of words in a prepared speech, he acted with such superiority and arrogance that immediately turned him into an infamous icon among those who are slightly acquainted with him.

Oh yeah, as we later learned, Mr Braggart did not really work miracles. He fell short of someone like Moses, but was rather a quack. He didn’t tranform water into wine. Neither did he cross the Red Sea with the water rising up in two walls. What he achieved was turning himself from a person who never touched a ball before, into a basket ball coach. Bah! As if that’s any big deal. And I just don’t feel like repeating how he bragged about training a lousy basket ball team which had not won any tournament into an A-team that took part in state-level tournaments. Heck, he took all the credits to himself!

“You should be able to complete three maths questions in this forty minutes – if you think your future is worth that three questions,” Mr Braggart went on.

Whoa! He might not be a Saint who works miracles but he certainly had foresight, to some extent. That was exactly what was on my mind, only that I thought better of it and decided to let him have a try on me, though I knew dead well from the beginning that he was not a pleasant person to meet. I don’t know why, but this guy just did not merit my respect and attention. The more he bragged, the more he filled me with indignation.

“Raise your hand if you’re a boy!” he yelled (without the necessity to do so) like a total maniac. – “Duh!”

I decided to do physics.

Calculate the r.m.s current through the capacitor… r.m.s current… r.m.s. curr–

“I want to be an entrepreneur! I want to make big moneys! (sic)” Mr Braggart’s booming voice disrupted my train of thought. Now, we really had a taste of his Singlish (this guy is currently studying in Singapore)! He then went on saying something I didn’t not care to listen to. But I did catch him repeating “moneys” a couple of times.

… and the cathode to the negative terminal, the diode is said to be forward-biased.

“Some students tell that they going to (sic) study medicine and some going to (sic) do engineering.” Oh, nausea had started to set in.

Meanwhile, KT was getting impatient and started to talk. Mr Braggart swept him a side-way glance and delivered a fatal blitz. At one point, when Mr Braggart talked about sports hypnosis, YC innocently asked for a demonstration (yes, he was innocent) but Mr Braggart ignored him.

In the rest of his speech, Mr Braggart hyped about how he got his four A’s in STPM despite the fact that he scored poorly in school exams. Hey, it doesn't qualify as a miracle if you get good results by studying hard. By using the word "miracle", he was delivering the sublime message that one can success (sic) without effort. (Mr Braggart's style: "I want to see you success!")

“I work miracles!” Sigh, there the megalomaniac went again.

Of course, as Mr Braggart went on telling us his miracles, he continued banging the table and yelling as if his pants were on fire. What a wacko he was! Luckily, JJ was absent from school. Otherwise, I dare not imagine how a fierce debate would ensue.

“Normally, I’d need more than an hour to explain to you about my course. But I’m running out of time now and have only five minutes,” Mr Braggart elucidated with genuine disappointment.

“Thank God”, I was mumbling.

Finally, Mr Braggart revealed his ultimate motive – something about signing up for his motivation course which costs RM 200 an hour for a group. But he was slashing down the fee to RM 15 since he would love to contribute to his Alma Mater. Oh, he also gave us some statistics on the number of students from other classes that signed up and kept mentioning how good was the response from a biology class. (He learned sports hynopsis, remember?) I guess he was implicitly challenging us to break the record!

Ha! Imagine the disappointed look on his face when less than a handful of us signed up for his course while the rest gladly left for home!

By the end of his speech, I’ve wasted forty minutes – which I’d gladly indulge in chatting. I wonder if that cost me RM 15?

I know some braggarts (grin) but GG is definitely the most intolerable one I’ve met. I later found out many of the others share the same view as I do. GG could be a great orator or motivator but his style definitely does not suit me. Perhaps, he should consider being a politician instead!

Echoes in the Head

People with schizophrenia may also experience hallucinations (false sensory perceptions). People with hallucinations see, hear, smell, feel, or taste things that are not really there. ~Microsoft Encarta Reference Library 2005

Help! They’re driving me mad!

Hey, excessive gaming may be one reason for over-brain activity during bedtime, thus leading to loss of sleep. But hearing echoes of songs in the head is another matter!

Everything begins quite innocently by listening to a nice song. At first, I’d hum along with the melody. That inadvertently leads to learning the lyrics by heart and this is where the problem starts to come in.

You see, I don’t listen to songs frequently. It is could be due to my strict taste that makes it hard for me to find songs that suit me. So, once in a while, when a really nice one comes about, I’ll play it in the mind ad nauseam. I just can’t help it!

Even when I’m trying to get to sleep, the song would just repeat itself as if the player is in the “repeat” mode.

Can someone please hit the “stop” button and let me have a good sleep?

Luckily, this phenomenon doesn’t lasts long – a couple of weeks, at most. But even after that, certain things can still trigger it: a friend humming the song, for instance.

I once told a friend that listening to a particular song (I’m not going to state which one) gets me into a nostalgic mood. (I guess it’s the lyrics that I like.) Then, one day he got into “singing mood” and sang non-stop when we were walking along a street in KL. I had to stop him when he came to that song I was talking about. I don’t know if he did that on purpose, but I do remember the cheeky look on his face. And I believe he’s grinning as he’s reading this!

Here’s a list of the top ten Chinese songs that used to or still stick to my head. You’ve been warned!

1. 幸福车站 – 欧得洋
2. 孤单北半球 – 欧得洋
3. 童话 – 光良
4. 握你的手 – 光良
5. 第一次 – 光良
6. 勇气 – 梁静茹
7. 分手快乐 – 梁静茹
8. 依然是朋友 – 宇恒
9. 我不难过 – 孙燕姿
10. 没有人 – 曾宝仪

Here are the lyrics for the top three songs.

幸福车站 – 欧得洋
准备好了吗 九月九号九点九分两个人就要出发
不带行李 也不带牵挂 向幸福车站出发
你看窗外啊 想不想一张又一张飞过了莫内的画
让我眼睛 也舍不得眨 都因为有你对吧
艾菲尔铁塔都因为连任的约定才浪漫的呀
不管到哪 只要我身边有你就对够了 就够了

幸福车站要两个人才能到达
票根是一句回答 说跟着我你就不怕
橱窗里那间白纱 何时为我穿上了它
幸福车站没有王子骑着白马
只有真心的傻瓜 在终点为你盖个家
爱到有了白发 You're still my love

所有的恋人啊 幸福站快到了 别忘了真心啊
幸福站快到了 下站请带着它 幸福站快到了

孤单北半球 – 欧得洋
用我的晚安陪你 吃早餐 记得把想念 存进扑满
我 望着满天星在闪 听牛郎对织女说要勇敢

别怕我们在地球的两端 看我的问候
骑着魔毯 飞 用光速飞到 你面前
要你能看到十字形有北极星作伴

少了我的手臂当枕头 你习不习惯
你的望远镜望不到我北半球的孤单
太平洋的潮水跟着地球来回旋转
我会耐心地等 随时欢迎你靠岸

少了我的怀抱当暖炉 你习不习惯
E给你照片看不到我北半球的孤单
世界在大两颗真心就能 互相取暖
想念不会偷懒 我的梦通通给你保管

童话 – 光良
忘了有多久 再没听到你 对我说你 最爱的故事
我想了很久 我开始慌了 是被我又做错了什么

你哭着对我说 童话里都是骗人的
我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂 从你说爱我以后
我的天空 星星都亮了

我愿变成童话里 你爱的那个天使
张开双手 变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

我要变成童话里 你爱的那个天使
张开双手 变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

我会变成童话里 你爱的那个天使
张开双手 变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

一起写我们的结局

A Rotten Movie Experience

Beware of the Dark Lord for he shall bore you to death!

So much has been said about the final instalment of the Star Wars saga, Revenge of the Sith, that it hardly needs any more appraisals. I don’t know about you, but I’ve watched the movie and am sad to say that it isn’t up to my expectations. Let’s just put it this way: in one word, the movie– as its acronym suggests– rots.

Maybe it isn’t Lucas’s fault; he has written creative storylines. Maybe it was all because of those maniacs back there in the cinema that ruined the movie.

Even if you haven’t watched the movie, I’m sure you know how the movie starts– the prologue scrolls up the silver screen into deep space. (No prize for that!) That was when the racket broke out. A group of teenagers reacted as if they had just watched a seal doing a ball trick in an animal show. They whistled and they yelled. (*Grunt!)

Then, throughout the middle of the movie, I could hear someone behind me snoring. Okay, okay! I know the movie was quite boring but he can tell that to George instead of snoring to me in protest! (I, in return, replied with nasal disdain.)

As for the movie itself, the sound effects were great. I bet they covered the noise made by the bunch of monkeys back there. But I’m sure anyone can tell George that you can’t so much as hear a fart in deep space, which is near-vacuum. But then, all those battle scenes in the galaxy far, far away would be in deep silence – and George didn’t need to conduct a survey to find out that definitely no one would go for a silent movie these days!

Then, there were all those political issues, which I have always been apathetic of. Don’t we all get too high a dosage of such matters in the newspapers that they have become some sort of a cliché? The waning of the democratic system in the hands of an autocrat whose lust for power goes unchecked… Yada yada yada…

I think the excessive media coverage on the movie was to be blamed as well. With all those spoilers in movie reviews, almost anyone who hasn’t watched the movie knows the story line. How could there be suspense when I already knew Chancellor Palpatine was Darth Sidious who tempted Annakin into the Dark Side and later saved him– or rather, what was left of him, a piece of charcoal– from the brink of the volcano?

Of course, despite the shortcomings, there were the fighting scenes to look forward to. Master Windu’s tragedic murder at the Chancellor’s office was indeed dramatic. Perhaps, I found it unexpected mainly because I did not read about that in the reviews.

Bravo, George, for the interesting irony which was food for thought: Annakin had a vision that Padme would die in childbirth. As such, he turned to the Dark Side in the hope of finding a way to save her, without knowing that his decision was the actual cause for Padme’s death.

Anyway, as a friend of mine said, “You’ve ruined everything! I haven’t watched the movie!” For this reason, I shall refrain from commenting further on the film lest you’re one of the few persons who haven’t watched the movie.

May the Force spare you from a rotten movie experience!