Secrets

They say he who keeps his secrets well is unwise
For a sagacious man keeps no secret
They say a secret confided is a burden halved

I used to believe them…

I divulged my secrets, and had had my share of grief
So fear not of bringing secrets to the grave
For it is a calm harbour for false hopes and dreams

Now, I believe them not…

I believe in keeping secrets to myself
For the revelation brings nothing but woes
I believe a secret well-guarded is a sorrow halved

An Illusion, A Deception

Look at this wretched mortal
Run down by despair
Yet is boasting with pride
Swept by failures
Yet is brimming with confidence
Sanguinity? Sang-froid?
No! I call it ignorance
I call it lies

You!
Do you feel bare and naked wihout the mask?
Shed it off! And World
Behold the true nature of this deceitful being
Have I not told you?
It is just an illusion, a deception…
Beneath whatever he presents to the World
Is nothing but a feeble soul
Battered by harsh reality and cold truth
Not once, not twice, but thrice
Each one before the previous recedes

The Geometry of Love

In the geometry of love, everything is triangular. ~The Rule of Four

I am half-way through The Rule of Four, a bestseller which ranks next to The Da Vinci Code. Though the story is built upon a cultural account of a Renaissance text, it also tells of the bittersweet moments and dilemmas of the coming-of-age, which I could easily relate to as a teenager at the verge of adulthood.

Love draws lines between us like an astronomer plotting constellation from stars, joining points into patterns that have no basis in nature. As Providence would have it, one star somehow gets connected to a particular one, out of the millions out there. Together, they form a binary star, revolving around a common centre under mutual attraction.

But alas! Not all stars are destined to be thus, for the gravitation may not mutual but one without reciprocal, as opposed to the logics provided by physics. One of the stars moves away, either willingly or not, as if by the effects of a centrifuge; the other one tries to undo the process of detachment while blaming the forces of nature which has gone awry in this disorderly world.

Nevertheless, the latter knows from the start that there are not only two stars in the field but three, and the laws of physics still hold after all, for the star he is chasing after is gravitating towards the stronger, third star.

Yet, he refuses to acknowledge the existence of this star, as if he could win the race by remaining ignorant. So, follow as he may, but time will finally prove his efforts vain. Thus, the two stars eventually form a binary star of their own, leaving him in a quandary. In the end, he has to accept the fact that he has been the third star all the while, which somehow got enmeshed in the quagmire. And thus, the triangle has now been resolved into a simple, straight line, joining not three, but two points.

Three weeks ago, the training camp offered me an excuse to take leave from my reeling life, or rather, presented me the opportunity to form a triangle of my own to offset the effects of the distant star I am chasing in vain. In the two weeks’ time, physics has become my raison d’etre and for the moment, I thought the star is nothing but a quasar that has cease to illuminate my world, however bright it might have been.

But, today, a week after the fateful call, I still find it hard to recompose myself. Books may offer relieve, but only temporarily; friends may draw me away from any burdening thoughts, but not long enough. Worse, I can no longer listen to my favourite songs without being moved, for they invoke a certain unpleasant feeling I have tried to bury within the psyche.

Love conquers all. This poetic-sounding motto is misunderstood by ten persons out of ten, thanks to Chaucer, if Agostino Carracci’s view were to be accepted, Love is not supposed to be on your side. You fight with him; you try to undo what he does to others. But he’s too powerful. No matter how much we suffer, our hardships cannot move him. And this is the interpretation that I prefer.

O, mighty Eros! Son of Aphrodite, god of love, thou art deified by many and despised by the rancoured lot whom you have caused grievious hurt! I concede defeat; I relinquish the pursuit! Woe is me for I suffer from the aftermath of the battle long-lost before it was fought…

Confessed, For Better or Worse

And thus the heart will break, yet brokenly live on. ~Lord Byron

I had had a crush on a girl for quite some time; yet, I had neither the courage nor the opportunity to confess to her my feelings. It was recently by chance that an unexpected development took place, leaving me no choice but to pour out my heart, for better or worse.

It all began during my trip to Langkawi for a training session, when she sent me a message on the cell phone, wanting to know if I had a crush on her. Good heavens, I had never thought she would ask so! The first question that popped up in my head was how she managed to find out that little secret of mine which I have kept to myself. I had not expected anyone to arrive at that conclusion, since I had always failed to muster the courage to make a move, well, at least not in front of the others. Okay, okay, I did call her when I was away from Penang occasionally but I do not think it would drive me into asking such a bold question if I were her. Anyway, I later found out from her that it is whence she drawn the inference.

Should I tell her tell her everything? It was a fateful decision hard to be made. What if it is just a practical joke pulled by one of her friends? After all, some of my friends do have the uncanny knack of sending unsolicited messages using others’ cell phone, and yes, without consent. Sometimes, the owner will then have a tough time trying to explain to the recipients but only to be replied with nasal disdain.

What will happen if I confess my feelings to her? Will she believe me? Will she be so shocked as to try to stay away from me? What is she going to say and how will she react? One hundred and one possibilities ran through my mind like a train, leaving me behind in dilemma, staring down the tracks and uncertain of what course of action to take.

In the end, I decided to send her a reply instead of giving her a call, as I feared I would be at a loss on what to say. Le moment de vérité, at last. I told her frankly that it would be against my will if I were to deny my feelings. Conversely, if I were to confess to her, I could not predict her reactions. In the end, I returned her the question instead of giving her a direct answer. “I have a boyfriend.” Her reply to that was both brief and sharp, but not quite far from what I expected; I was very well aware that she is dating someone with apparent élan.

That’s the end of the story, I thought, until she later sent me a message that night, asking if I was mad at her. It was then I thought it necessary to call her and to sort things out, which I am glad I did. It came to me as a shock that she was able to handle the situation with a rational and open mind. For that, she earned my respect even more. That night, she told me frankly that she really did not know that I would have a crush on her. With great humility, she said she did not expect me to fall in love with her as she deems herself a girl with modest looks, though in reality, her boyfriend faces great competition from his fellow peers. Nevertheless, she turned them down as she loves her current boyfriend much.

Some people say that it makes them feel better when they pour out their heart, but I have to disagree with them. Before this, I secretly harbour some hope of gaining her love and believe me, keeping secrets is a great burden to bear; now that I am rejected, though in a gentle manner, it hurts much that even my faintest hope is splintered.

Anyway, I am thankful to her for turning me down in the most unhurtful way possible and also willing to comfort me, realising how I must have felt. Heck, she nearly became a matchmaker, asking me to consider some of her friends! “No, thanks!” I told her.

I still find it hard to accept the cold truth and to move on with life. Hopefully, time will be able to mend this ragged heart of mine. In the meantime, she is still the girl of my dreams…