Confessed, For Better or Worse

And thus the heart will break, yet brokenly live on. ~Lord Byron

I had had a crush on a girl for quite some time; yet, I had neither the courage nor the opportunity to confess to her my feelings. It was recently by chance that an unexpected development took place, leaving me no choice but to pour out my heart, for better or worse.

It all began during my trip to Langkawi for a training session, when she sent me a message on the cell phone, wanting to know if I had a crush on her. Good heavens, I had never thought she would ask so! The first question that popped up in my head was how she managed to find out that little secret of mine which I have kept to myself. I had not expected anyone to arrive at that conclusion, since I had always failed to muster the courage to make a move, well, at least not in front of the others. Okay, okay, I did call her when I was away from Penang occasionally but I do not think it would drive me into asking such a bold question if I were her. Anyway, I later found out from her that it is whence she drawn the inference.

Should I tell her tell her everything? It was a fateful decision hard to be made. What if it is just a practical joke pulled by one of her friends? After all, some of my friends do have the uncanny knack of sending unsolicited messages using others’ cell phone, and yes, without consent. Sometimes, the owner will then have a tough time trying to explain to the recipients but only to be replied with nasal disdain.

What will happen if I confess my feelings to her? Will she believe me? Will she be so shocked as to try to stay away from me? What is she going to say and how will she react? One hundred and one possibilities ran through my mind like a train, leaving me behind in dilemma, staring down the tracks and uncertain of what course of action to take.

In the end, I decided to send her a reply instead of giving her a call, as I feared I would be at a loss on what to say. Le moment de vérité, at last. I told her frankly that it would be against my will if I were to deny my feelings. Conversely, if I were to confess to her, I could not predict her reactions. In the end, I returned her the question instead of giving her a direct answer. “I have a boyfriend.” Her reply to that was both brief and sharp, but not quite far from what I expected; I was very well aware that she is dating someone with apparent élan.

That’s the end of the story, I thought, until she later sent me a message that night, asking if I was mad at her. It was then I thought it necessary to call her and to sort things out, which I am glad I did. It came to me as a shock that she was able to handle the situation with a rational and open mind. For that, she earned my respect even more. That night, she told me frankly that she really did not know that I would have a crush on her. With great humility, she said she did not expect me to fall in love with her as she deems herself a girl with modest looks, though in reality, her boyfriend faces great competition from his fellow peers. Nevertheless, she turned them down as she loves her current boyfriend much.

Some people say that it makes them feel better when they pour out their heart, but I have to disagree with them. Before this, I secretly harbour some hope of gaining her love and believe me, keeping secrets is a great burden to bear; now that I am rejected, though in a gentle manner, it hurts much that even my faintest hope is splintered.

Anyway, I am thankful to her for turning me down in the most unhurtful way possible and also willing to comfort me, realising how I must have felt. Heck, she nearly became a matchmaker, asking me to consider some of her friends! “No, thanks!” I told her.

I still find it hard to accept the cold truth and to move on with life. Hopefully, time will be able to mend this ragged heart of mine. In the meantime, she is still the girl of my dreams…

Complications of Emotions

Love that one cannot have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest. ~Unknown Author

Amor est vitae essentia, love is the essence of life. On the 14th of February each year, couples all around the world celebrate the day devoted to love. A simple kiss, a warm hug or a rose over a candle-light dinner – different people may express their love through various ways but their feelings are all expressed sincerely in the universal language. On the other hand, it is a pity that love-forlorn guys like me have to spend this meaningful day with Loneliness.

I have written in my previous blogs about my crush over a girl to whom I dare not declare my love, due to certain reasons which could be faintly discerned as excuses rather than the cold truth that I failed to muster the courage to initiate a relationship. Love, as it is, requires a great deal of commitment to instigate one and to maintain it. That is also what I am afraid I am lack of.

Besides, we have different principles, aspirations and interests which set us apart. Some people claim that differences may not really be obstacles to a true love but Hans Nouwens believed that “in true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.” If this is true, the fact that certain differences exist between us is not much of advantage to my argument, then.

However, since this is my final year in pre-U, we may soon be threading different paths and separated by distance. Que sera? What the future holds, I do not have the slightest idea but I must say that I do not have much confidence in nurturing a long-distance relationship.

While it deeply hurts me to see her spending time happily with her loved one, it does relief me that their relationship is going well. That at least justifies my decision though I may have a great price to pay.

Alas! I have tried to deny myself of my own feelings, only to be assaulted by a stronger wave of emotions; I have tried to steer my memories of her off my head, only to find them resurfacing whenever my mind is vacant; I have tried to defy Love’s providence, only to amuse him even more as a victim of his sadistic game.

It is then, understandable that I need to constantly keep my mind occupied so as to distract me from any thoughts about her. The flu which I just had was therefore a much welcomed distraction, albeit a bitter prescription for my incurable love-sickness.

Love offers both the sweetest moments for us to cherish and the bitterest moments that we dread. Sigh, if only we can choose whom to love. But then again, love would cease to be that miraculous if so, wouldn’t it?

Anyway, I would like to extend my best wishes (without wax) to all of you out there who are reading my blog (or should I say, listening to my rants) and especially to the girl of my dreams: Happy Valentine’s Day!

Wind, Water and a Headless Rooster

I did not become a vegetarian for my health, I did it for the health of the chickens. ~Isaac Bashevis Singer

Once again, Lilian Too, the feng shui guru, was babbling about what the new year has in store and giving advice on how to improve luck. I don’t know a tad about feng shui, nor do I care much to find out. I am never a believer in such stuff, period.

Although ignorant I am, it sometimes does amuse me to know about the advices fortune-tellers give on ways to improve luck. Well, to tell the truth, I half-heartedly sat through ten minutes of her show. While soothsayers predict an auspicious year ahead, she did reminded that the eastern side is exposed to “killing” forces. Whatever that means, I have no idea. But fear not, the misfortune is not without a remedy. Dear Lilian suggested that you place a tiny figurine of two-horned rhinoceros (?!) at the door. Or did she say, on the roof top? Ah, whatever! I paid no attention to that as I have a better idea. Why not just wear a petrified stag beetle as a pendant to ward off bad luck?

Lucky that she reminded her audience not to place the figurine on the altar. Otherwise, she would be accused as a pagan worshipper!

There are also different schools of thought among soothsayers. You might have read in the newspapers that Chinese were rushing to get married before the new year as it is believed that the year of rooster is inauspicious for marriage. Strangely, Miss Too disputed this belief claming it does not hold water according to authentic feng shui studies. In fact, this new year should be a “peach-and-blossom” year, which means it is totally advisable to get marry or to instigate a relationship. So, what are you waiting for? Declare your love to your special one!

By the way, do you know that besides being the first day in the year of rooster, today also marks the birthday of our mascot of the year? According to the Chinese almanac, the rooster was created by God on the first day. So, a very happy birthday to all fowls! And, just to remind you if you have a pet dog at home: don’t forget to celebrate his birthday tomorrow!

Talking about chickens, I just read about a gruesome tale of Mike the headless chicken. Sorry, I have tried to refrain from retelling it, at least not on Chinese New Year! But here it is, anyway, for those who want to know. It’s a true story!

It began one September morning in back in 1945, when poor old Mike, the chicken was destined to be the dinner for his owner, Llyod Olsen’s mother-in-law. He was decapitated and still miraculously stood, very much alive! Arghhh! Imagine a headless chicken running around in the town of Colorado! Yes, and Mike toured the country for the next one and a half years and appearing in magazines, before he eventually choked to death by his own mucus. Eeew!

Okay, enough of this chicken-talk. Wish all of you a Happy Chinese New Year. And, you can forget about the stag beetle lucky charm. I was just joking.

Kryptos, The Unbreakable Enigma

…The information was gathered and transmitted undergruund (sic) to an unknown location. x Does Langley know about this? They should: it’s buried out there somewhere. x Who knows the exact location? Only WW. ~ Kryptos

Standing in the courtyard of the Central Intelligence Agency’s (CIA) New Headquarters Building (NHB) is a mystifying artwork which has stumped the world since its installation in 1990. Although the sculpture was originally intended to serve as a stimulus to the CIA officers assigned in NHB, it quickly gained widespread publicity among expert and amateur cryptographer alike outside the CIA community. Nevertheless, more than one decade of attempts to fully unravel its mystery have been futile.

Kryptos (Greek word for “hidden”) is the brainchild of a prominent American artist and sculpture, James Sanborn, who is accredited with a number of artworks that “evoke a sense of mystery”, including the Cyrillic Projector standing majestically in the University of North Carolina. Kryptos is mainly a copperplate etched with approximately 2000 alphabetic letters: 865 characters make up four encrypted messages which in turn, hold the ultimate conundrum; the rest form the Vigenere Plateau which aids the cryptographer to encrypt or decrypt a text via letter substitution using the key of his choice.

It was reported in mid-June 1999, that a computer scientist from Southern California, Jim Gillogly, made a public announcement that he had deciphered all but the last of the four messages. Anyway, he soon learned that he was not the first to break the code as a CIA physicist, David Stein, had succeeded at his attempt one year ago. Stein achieved the feat with pencil and paper while Gillogly achieved his courtesy of the wonders of computational powers. In response to the miffed Stein who claimed that “Kryptos was meant to be solved with pencil and paper”, Gillogly defended himself by arguing that “the choice of tool isn’t the important part, but rather the decisions about how to use the tools”.

So far, the first 768 characters deciphered reveal three messages which, to me, sound nothing more than gibberish. Typos are also cut into the plate, perhaps to throw code breakers off the track. The first part goes thus: “Between subtle shading and the absence of light lies the nuance of iqlusion (sic).”

Meanwhile, the second part (an interesting one) tells of a secret location where information is transmitted to. No one knows of it except WW, but who is WW, no one knows for sure. “It was totally invisible. How’s that possible? The used the earth’s magnetic field. x The information was gathered and transmitted undergruund (sic) to an unknown location. x Does langley know about this? They should: it’s buried out there somewhere. x Who knows the exact location? Only WW. This was his last message. x Thirty eight degrees fifty seven minutes six point five seconds north, seventy seven degrees eight minutes forty four seconds west. ID by rows.”

It muss also be mentioned that the coordinates provided pinpoint somewhere in Virginia. ABC News believes it is exactly at where Kryptos stands.

As if the teasing is not enough, the third part is (irrelevantly) quoted from Howard Carter’s account on the opening of King Tut’s tomb. “Slowly, desparatly (sic), the remains of passage debris that encumbered the lower part of the doorway was removed. With trembling hands I made a tiny breach in the upper left-hand corner. And then, widening the hole a little, I inserted the candle and peered in. The hot air escaping form the chamber caused the flame to flicker, but presently details of the room within emerged from the mist. x Can you see anything? q.” The reply in the actual narrative goes, “Yes, wonderful things.” A clue to the next massage? Who knows!

The complete answer to the encryption designed by Edward M. Scheidt, a former chairman of CIA’s Cryptographic Center was held in confidence, first, by William H. Webster (WW?), and later, his successors. Kryptos is a multi-layered riddle. In an interview, Sanborn expressed his doubts that the ultimate secret will ever be deciphered. So far, he is right. Kryptos, shrouded in an aura of mystery, still stands proud in the courtyard of the CIA headquarters, as a source of inspiration and awe.