Meet Uncle Sim

Uncle Sim… a stout man whose age is showing around his middle. ~Mr Blah

It survived World War II but is more than a historical monument; it is a prestigious learning institution which mass-produces the crème de la crème. The alumni of this school spread all over the world and to say the least, some of them are rising stars more successful and more reputable than Bush.

It is, thus an honour for Gossip Mag to have the opportunity of meeting the amazing man at the helm, face to face, in an interview conducted by Mr Blah, our award-winning journalist. In this issue, we’ll look into everything gossipy including Uncle Sim’s favourite food and the latest, hottest rap.

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I’m glad to be on time to meet this magnificent man whom the kids call Ninj– um, nevermind. After all, he is one of the best brains who is given the mandate to lead this prestigious school to greater heights. Indeed, without this place, the Pearl Island is like – um… an oyster without its pearl.

At the hall below the principal’s office, the affable Uncle Sim approaches me. He is a stout man whose age is showing around his middle. As Uncle Sim warmly leads me into his cosy office, I could hear a soothing somnolent tune playing in the background.

Mr Blah: Thanks for the bright red welcoming banner. You make me feel like a VIP! But I couldn’t help to ooh and aah upon seeing for myself how big a school you have here. I would have easily got lost searching for your office had I not have a map of your school with me.

Uncle Sim: Nah! That’s nothing. In fact, we’ve just recently expanded our territory to the brink of the river bank. Hmm… I’m even considering of reclaiming the river.

Mr Blah: But, doesn’t that mean environmental destruction?

Uncle Sim: Who cares? My visions come before everything else. However, I need to think of some way to justify my ambitious plans to avoid having environmentalists and tree-huggers enmassing in front of my office waving placards, demonstrating.

Mr Blah: I see. Anyway, back to where we were just now. Minding such a big place is a hefty responsibility. How do you juggle work and life?

Uncle Sim: There’re a great deal of pressure, you bet! But as you can see here, I can always unwind listening to my favourite music.

Mr Blah: Uh… You mean this lullaby you’re playing right now?

Uncle Sim: Lullaby? You must be kidding! It’s the MIDI version of our school anthem!

Mr Blah: Oh, no wonder it sounds so familiar! I heard that in the school’s official website!

Uncle Sim: That’s the problem with you youngsters nowadays. No one appreciates music these days. You people seem to prefer rock and rap.

Mr Blah: I guess you’re referring to the rap anthem.

Uncle Sim: Grr… If I find out who’s the one monkeying and “chimpanzeeing” around, I’m going to report him to Bukit Aman! The song gives me headaches.

Mr Blah: Too bad they are being circulated like hot cakes through the Internet. That reminds me of those days when the infamous Darth Vader stalked the net. If you look on the bright side, isn’t it some kind of a publicity for the school? I mean, wow! You’ve taught your students to be creative and to put information technology to good use.

Uncle Sim: …

Mr Blah: As a matter of fact, you should consider consulting these IT geniuses for some help on the school’s official website. It’s as dead as tree stump: no updates, no visitors.

Uncle Sim: With all due respect, you’re wrong, Mr Blah. Very wrong. We do update the website… uh… the main page, to be precise.

Mr Blah: But I heard complaints that students got fed up with it because they have to log in with a hard-to-remember alphanumerical password which is something like seven characters long. Most of them have lost the password which came with the receipt for the RM 10 registration fee.

Uncle Sim: They should have memorised the password by heart! Who have they to blame?

Mr Blah: The results database too, isn’t updated since two years ago. From what I see, there isn’t any reason to continue wasting funds for the domain. You might as well shut it down, unless, you plan to revamp the website.

Uncle Sim: A sound idea. Any suggestions?

Mr Blah: Well, why not convert the website to a music hub where students can download and share their homemade raps? Teens like that, you know.

Uncle Sim: No way!

Mr Blah: Or maybe turn it into a doodle board so that creative students can hone their artistic skills instead of making graffitis in the school compound.

Uncle Sim: Wait, how did you find out about that? Those walls where the mural drawings were have been painted anew.

Mr Blah: Well, words pass around. Any idea who’s behind all these?

Uncle Sim: We have our suspects. But worry not. I’ve installed state of the art cameras in the vicinity. Should the marauder make his presence again, we shall have him caught red-handed!

Mr Blah: Speaking of cameras, I see quite a lot of them in the school compound.

Uncle Sim: If I have more resources, I would have even more of them to cover every nook and cranny of this place! If you think that’s more than superfluous, listen to this: I’m planning to tag every student so that I can track their movements. Then, there will be zero truancy! Yippee!

Mr Blah: Creepy… By the way, a romantic escapade at the basketball court made the headlines recently. What is it all about?

Uncle Sim: Ah, it was some Upper-Sixer kissing with his girlfriend. Yuck!

Mr Blah: Frankly, I don’t see any problem with that. Hey, the world’s changing. I wouldn’t mind if I were to give you a peck on your cheek, right here, right now! You’re just too conservative!

Uncle Sim: Heck! This interview is going to stop right now if you can’t refrain from acting indecently!

Mr Blah: Sorry! On another matter, I think I have to congratulate the school for being the first one to install ceiling fans in the toilets. It’s simply… Cool!

Uncle Sim: (Beaming with pride.) That idea is my brainchild! Now that the fans are installed, there’ll be no more sweat even when you’re constipating! Of course, it has another ingenious purpose too.

Mr Blah: How so?

Uncle Sim: Visitors like you who are unfamiliar with the school no longer get lost looking for the restrooms. With the help of the fans, the whole balcony now smells like a sewer! You can literally sniff your way out! Brilliant, huh?

Mr Blah: One last question: what is your favourite food?

Uncle Sim: Just between you and me, okay? Pizza. You know, I don’t rejoice in that name without a reason!