Me, Me and Me

The greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss—an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc.—is sure to be noticed. ~Søren Kierkegaard

There is this person whom I’ve spent with all these 19 summers yet, don’t fully understand his nature. Everytime I look into the mirror, there is no doubt I recognise that person staring back but do I really know him, within?

True, teenage years are a period of turbulence and metamorphosis. Even trivial instances can easily trigger a change in personality, for better or worse. Thus, it is often a journey of introspection and self-discovery.

There is a famous quote which goes along these lines: Maturity comes with a great price, that is age. As one bids farewell to nonchalant childhood, he begins to be plagued by woes, insecurities and confusion. Welcome to reality!

The me from the past was a happy-go-lucky person with an optimistic outlook on life (or was it insouciance?). Everything is taken care of by my parents: tuitions, music lessons, transport to school; no worries. Ironically, I couldn’t wait to become an adult and indulge in the carte blanche to do anything I desire, the way all grown-ups do. Too bad I didn’t have any idea of what’s in store for me in the real world.

With freedom comes great responsibilities. I’ve come to realise that to become a responsible young adult, I have to constantly ponder of the consequences of whatever actions taken, whatever words spoken. And the world doesn’t seem to be as simple as I thought. There are all kinds of people out there who you have no idea what’s going on in their mind. Unfortunately, they are there to judge you on your actions, like it or not. Some behave cynically as if they have a personal vendetta against you but of course, there are always also those who show the bright side of humanity.

Indeed, this transitional period is a real eye-opener. At least now I know that the world is a lot more complicated than I thought. Sad to say, this has subconsciously caused too many a radical change in me; more than I anticipated.

Just when I thought I have firmly established those principles of life and so naïvely presumed that I would cling to them come what may, there came all those self-conflicts instigated by some unpleasant experiences. It seems that my principles are not so steadfast after all.

Interpersonal relationships are always the toughest to handle; there are no formulae for you to work out the best solution to an interpersonal problem. For this reason, I have learnt to become more withdrawn. Although I tried to be more sociable, I just could not seem to strike a balance between being an extrovert and an introvert. Sociology just isn’t my métier. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m a sociopath.

Then there are all those problems one encounters in life. Less than half of the time, you find a way to undo the knot; more than half of the time, they seem to be insurmountable. The latter is when you should learn from Mr Ostrich, leave the problems out of sight and pray from the bottom of your heart that they will somehow get solved.

Add up all of the above and you get a picture of the present me: less enthusiastic, more introverted and more pessimistic than before.

Anyway, I still have a long journey to go and whether I would be happy to meet the future me is still a hanging question.