Going Beyond Absent-Mindedness

The secret motive of the absent-minded is to be innocent while guilty. Absent-mindedness is spurious innocence. ~Saul Bellow

Bloody hell! I’m going senile and for heaven's sake, I'm barely 19!

I suffer from memory loss all this while. Misplacing items, forgetting things… Those are but the typical ones. But what happened today is by far the most brainless act I’ve ever committed. Sad to say there could be more, considering my deteriorating mental condition. I’m losing my precious braincells exponentially as the ageing effects set in prematurely. It is terribly depressing to be aware that it’s just a matter of time before my grey matter shrivels into a peanut.

Get your thesaurus and fire me with anything you can find under “stupid” and I promise you I won’t be so much as retort. How could I be so absent-minded? How could I return home from school with her car key in my pocket, not realising it until I’ve almost reached home? Bah! What a shitty memory I have!

Needless, she was stranded in school for something like an hour before I rushed all the way back to return her the key. But who have I to blame if not myself?

Congratulations! I’ve just proven myself to be one who cannot be entrusted with responsibility. Hey, even I can’t forgive myself for my absent-mindedness; self-esteem is at an alarmingly low level. Shucks! How can you trust someone who could not even trust himself?

It’s normal to be angry of someone; you can tell that straight in his face. But to be mad at oneself is totally a frustrating experience; what can you do? Splash yourself with a bucket of cold water?

For the first time, I hit 90km/h on a cranky Kancil with four gears, and could have gone faster had the parts not rumble in resonance as if they were going to fall apart. (It felt like flying a jet – at turtle speed.) Now, I understand why they say it is unsafe to drive when you’re under emotional stress.

I could feel the negative energy overwhelmed the body. I felt much better after a cold bath and typing this away at the computer. Nevertheless, I reckoned I needed to vent out the emotions one way or another. Ten laps in the swimming pool was a feat I had not attempted since a long time. It was indeed tiring, and I was not left with any surpluss energy to depreciate myself after that.

Bah! I don’t feel like talking about it anymore! Perhaps I should do some meditation to let go of the malicious qi, if only I can get the right vibrations… Om…