ADD-ing to My Woes

Let us not consider mental illness an excusing condition. By treating offenders as responsible human beings, we offer them the chance, as I see it, to remain human. ~Thomas Szasz

As you may have found out, I have an inexplicable habit of diagnosing myself with strange disorders. If you recall, the latest one was the insanity (KSS) syndrome. But me going nuts? No way! That was as nonsensical as the Gobi Desert being swept by flood.

Dr Quack was proven to be wrong, then.

But, now, as if there isn’t enough frustration for his perennial headache, attention deficit disorder (ADD) is added to his list of woes.

I am not aware of when it started but of late, my attention span has become terribly short. A moment ago, I may be listening to you but a moment later, I’ll be drifting off in the sea of ether.

Take, for example, Babbling Bob who has the uncanny knack of constructing complex sentences. Imagine the following conversation in which he profusely recounts his swashbuckling weekend.

“Did I tell you that last Saturday, when I was hanging out with Groovy Gary – you know, the guy whom I introduced to you that other day when we met in the library – we bumped into Simon and his lass who looked too hot for a geek like him!”

You can safely bet that I paid no attention to anything after “Goofy Gary”. (See what I mean?) Instead, I would prefer Simple Simon’s version.

“Last Saturday, I went out for a date with my girlfriend. We met Bob. He was hanging out with Gary. He was so envious of my hot girlfriend. He called me a geek!”

Simple, precise and straight to the point, though it certainly will not earn Simon a distinction in his English essay. Nevertheless, that’s just the way I like; it doesn’t tax the mind.

But, such a mental handicap doesn’t affect much of one’s life – unless you have a “benzenophilic” Chemistry teacher who, unknowingly, manages to draw sixty benzene rings on the whiteboard during his one-hour lesson. Nope. Naturally, I was not the one who did the counting. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t following after the fifth ring.

I just ran a search on ADD in Encarta and found that this disorder is also known as “minimal brain dysfunction” or “minimal brain damage”. I don’t know about you but these disgraceful names sound as if I was involved in a head-on collision with a charging rhino... Which I must say I can’t quite recall when, where, or how it happened… I mean, how else can you get a brain damage?

A quick look at the characteristics of ADD patients quite confirms my fear.

“They may… make careless mistakes”. Bad. That’s a check. I am really careless in mathematics.

“… seem to daydream.” Uh oh, another one.

“… constantly touch things.” Yeah, I always play with my pen.

“…hyperactive.” Frankly, I have no particular interest in benzene rings and would easily fall asleep as some “benzenophilic” wacko starts indulging himself in drawing those kekulé structures on the whiteboard. As soon as he leaves, I would be jumping around, not because of joy, but just to awaken myself. Does it qualify as hyperactivity?

So, I guess that’s a positive… Sigh… Please bear with me and always remind me to take my daily dosage of Ritalin.

P/S: Hey, I missed out this one just now. “They may constantly arrive late for appointments.” Whoa! That makes me think of someone! Heh heh!