Confessed, For Better or Worse

And thus the heart will break, yet brokenly live on. ~Lord Byron

I had had a crush on a girl for quite some time; yet, I had neither the courage nor the opportunity to confess to her my feelings. It was recently by chance that an unexpected development took place, leaving me no choice but to pour out my heart, for better or worse.

It all began during my trip to Langkawi for a training session, when she sent me a message on the cell phone, wanting to know if I had a crush on her. Good heavens, I had never thought she would ask so! The first question that popped up in my head was how she managed to find out that little secret of mine which I have kept to myself. I had not expected anyone to arrive at that conclusion, since I had always failed to muster the courage to make a move, well, at least not in front of the others. Okay, okay, I did call her when I was away from Penang occasionally but I do not think it would drive me into asking such a bold question if I were her. Anyway, I later found out from her that it is whence she drawn the inference.

Should I tell her tell her everything? It was a fateful decision hard to be made. What if it is just a practical joke pulled by one of her friends? After all, some of my friends do have the uncanny knack of sending unsolicited messages using others’ cell phone, and yes, without consent. Sometimes, the owner will then have a tough time trying to explain to the recipients but only to be replied with nasal disdain.

What will happen if I confess my feelings to her? Will she believe me? Will she be so shocked as to try to stay away from me? What is she going to say and how will she react? One hundred and one possibilities ran through my mind like a train, leaving me behind in dilemma, staring down the tracks and uncertain of what course of action to take.

In the end, I decided to send her a reply instead of giving her a call, as I feared I would be at a loss on what to say. Le moment de vérité, at last. I told her frankly that it would be against my will if I were to deny my feelings. Conversely, if I were to confess to her, I could not predict her reactions. In the end, I returned her the question instead of giving her a direct answer. “I have a boyfriend.” Her reply to that was both brief and sharp, but not quite far from what I expected; I was very well aware that she is dating someone with apparent élan.

That’s the end of the story, I thought, until she later sent me a message that night, asking if I was mad at her. It was then I thought it necessary to call her and to sort things out, which I am glad I did. It came to me as a shock that she was able to handle the situation with a rational and open mind. For that, she earned my respect even more. That night, she told me frankly that she really did not know that I would have a crush on her. With great humility, she said she did not expect me to fall in love with her as she deems herself a girl with modest looks, though in reality, her boyfriend faces great competition from his fellow peers. Nevertheless, she turned them down as she loves her current boyfriend much.

Some people say that it makes them feel better when they pour out their heart, but I have to disagree with them. Before this, I secretly harbour some hope of gaining her love and believe me, keeping secrets is a great burden to bear; now that I am rejected, though in a gentle manner, it hurts much that even my faintest hope is splintered.

Anyway, I am thankful to her for turning me down in the most unhurtful way possible and also willing to comfort me, realising how I must have felt. Heck, she nearly became a matchmaker, asking me to consider some of her friends! “No, thanks!” I told her.

I still find it hard to accept the cold truth and to move on with life. Hopefully, time will be able to mend this ragged heart of mine. In the meantime, she is still the girl of my dreams…