Complications of Emotions

Love that one cannot have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest. ~Unknown Author

Amor est vitae essentia, love is the essence of life. On the 14th of February each year, couples all around the world celebrate the day devoted to love. A simple kiss, a warm hug or a rose over a candle-light dinner – different people may express their love through various ways but their feelings are all expressed sincerely in the universal language. On the other hand, it is a pity that love-forlorn guys like me have to spend this meaningful day with Loneliness.

I have written in my previous blogs about my crush over a girl to whom I dare not declare my love, due to certain reasons which could be faintly discerned as excuses rather than the cold truth that I failed to muster the courage to initiate a relationship. Love, as it is, requires a great deal of commitment to instigate one and to maintain it. That is also what I am afraid I am lack of.

Besides, we have different principles, aspirations and interests which set us apart. Some people claim that differences may not really be obstacles to a true love but Hans Nouwens believed that “in true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.” If this is true, the fact that certain differences exist between us is not much of advantage to my argument, then.

However, since this is my final year in pre-U, we may soon be threading different paths and separated by distance. Que sera? What the future holds, I do not have the slightest idea but I must say that I do not have much confidence in nurturing a long-distance relationship.

While it deeply hurts me to see her spending time happily with her loved one, it does relief me that their relationship is going well. That at least justifies my decision though I may have a great price to pay.

Alas! I have tried to deny myself of my own feelings, only to be assaulted by a stronger wave of emotions; I have tried to steer my memories of her off my head, only to find them resurfacing whenever my mind is vacant; I have tried to defy Love’s providence, only to amuse him even more as a victim of his sadistic game.

It is then, understandable that I need to constantly keep my mind occupied so as to distract me from any thoughts about her. The flu which I just had was therefore a much welcomed distraction, albeit a bitter prescription for my incurable love-sickness.

Love offers both the sweetest moments for us to cherish and the bitterest moments that we dread. Sigh, if only we can choose whom to love. But then again, love would cease to be that miraculous if so, wouldn’t it?

Anyway, I would like to extend my best wishes (without wax) to all of you out there who are reading my blog (or should I say, listening to my rants) and especially to the girl of my dreams: Happy Valentine’s Day!