Being a Nobody

Through self-doubt, we lose our sense of self-worth. ~Anonymous

On another note:

[The] Great suffer hours of depression through introspection and self-doubt. That is why they are great. That is why you will find modesty and humility the characteristics of such men. ~Bruce Barton

Of these two, of course I prefer the latter.

* * * * *

A week has past since STPM results were announced. 4A's, so what? Now that the ecstasy has subsided, feelings of inadequacy takes over.

No. I'm not upset over getting an A- for the paper 2 of Chemistry. As a matter of fact, I know dead well that I did badly in that paper and barely deserve what I got. Besides, with this year's high passes, one just can't help thinking that the council has indeed become lax.

Sorry if I sounded too snobbish; I did not intend to. The truth is, I'm wondering whether I shaved through once again by sheer luck - the way I did in SPM's History paper. Of course I have no qualms about getting the streaks of good luck. It's just that, unlike those whose achievements are attained by pure hardship, I can't proudly claim what I get.

All this while, I've been acknowledged as an academically excellent student... That, and nothing more. But the naked truth is, there really is nothing within the empty shell of pride that feeds on acknowledgements and praises. I'm not as superior as people think I am. Darn, of course I know damn well who I am!

Perhaps it is time to stop calling myself a narcissist. For a self-proclaimed megalomaniac to drop to the rank of a self-doubting weakling is indeed painful fall. But what can I say? I have a volatile personality.

I'm just a hapless loser in almost all other fields in life. To begin with, being better than the average, academic-wise, doesn't guarantee one to be successful, social-wise. You could be endowed with a superior cerebral, but for all you know, you might be no better than me, a socially awkward dork. Acquaintances, I've plenty; close confidants, I've none. It is no wonder that I have such a low level of tolerance when it comes to handling emotional turbulence.

By frank introspection alone, it has been long since I realised that there're so many aspects in me which I have to correct. If even I, myself can't bear with my own flaws, people around me must have been irked all this while.

Other than that, I ought to be more passionate in my pursuits, instead of being slack most of the time, taking things for granted. I don't want all those praises to be merely baseless myths; neither do I want to be acknowledged as a person I am not, and can't proudly live up to the expectations.

Most importantly, I just don't want to be a nobody. Life is too precious to be wasted being no one.