Butterflies in the Stomach

Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile. ~Bertrand Russell

Shucks, I’m having butterflies in my stomach!

Just what is the matter with me? I’ve been waiting so long for a chance like this but when the opportunity comes along, I’m stricken by profound uncertainty and indecisiveness.

It sounds like a fine idea which nevertheless leaves me with second thoughts. It sounds like treason, or betrayal of trust, to put it rather bluntly. Hey, my future is at stake over here. I wouldn’t dare imagine the consequences should it backfire.

Which kind of response will it elicit? What if it brings undesirable outcomes? What if I make the wrong decision which I will later regret?

I can almost picture my future self heaving a sigh of disappointment reprimanding my present self. “Tut-tut, what a fool you’ve been! You should have seen this coming, for goodness sake!”

This morning, JJ and Rag played two rounds of Chinese Chess, in which JJ lost both, much to our surprise. Rag were so “unexpected” that he made several careless moves, leaving loopholes here and there. As everyone thought he was apparently losing, he skillfully executed the fatal blow in an equally unpredicted manner, instantly turning the tables on JJ.

If Rag had been indecisive and lack the guts to take the risks, he would most probably lose, considering his track record (no offence!). But, instead of scrutinising each of the pieces and contemplating the outcomes of his moves before devising his plans, he took bold steps. Was it because of this that he held the advantage? Perhaps, this is the lesson I should have learned long, long ago.

It’s certainly going to be a checkmate if I stay this way. But if I make my move, there’s no telling what developments are going to take place. And I just don’t want the current situation to worsen, even though this is not what I would anticipate, given the chance.

Courage! Courage! That’s exactly what I need! Rationality should be put aside for the moment.

Oh God! I’m at a loss on what to do; I’m in a total dilemma! However, I have to make my decision, and quick! Time is running out!

Seems like my plan to do revision has just gone down the drain!

Sigh, this is going to be a long night…