Sheer Escapism: Total Denial

… The subject recognises on some feels, and so finds himself overcome by fatigue, boredom, and indifference, to conceal from him his fundamental helplessness in the face of a genuine problem which must be rectified. ~Michael Crichton

His remark came so unexpectedly that I was instantly taken aback.

“Huh?”

“I mean, something seems to be bothering you.” He explained.

“What makes you think so?”

“Instinct.”

The problem is, I don’t really know what’s wrong with me, even now. Heck, I was feeling totally fine – until that moment. Trust me, lapsing into a bout of depression isn’t enjoyable. The fact that his comment had such an effect on me proved beyond doubt that there is something wrong.

Is it because so many incidents have occurred – and mostly with undesired outcomes – that the subconscious mind has chosen to ignore them altogether? Is this the skill that I’ve picked up and perfected over the period of recuperation from those agonies – agonies inflicted by various incidents which I’d prefer to relegate to the misty realm of the memory? Did this stem from the natural reaction to protect oneself from further hurt?

I have never felt so helpless before. To me, all these years, life has been smooth sailing; no obstacles in the path. With sheer arrogance, I presumed that everything will be going fine till the end of the jouney. Everything has been fine.

But then, the wind does change its direction once in a while. And when that happens, it is hard to accept that you’re just another pawn on the board, subject to the whims of some unseen manipulator.

They say the higher you climb, the harder you fall. Of all, that moment of free fall feels the worse, for you have no idea when you will land. Throughout the whole ordeal, you can only fear for the worse, while wondering if you could survive the fall in the end.

In front of the others, I’ve always told myself to be tough and not to weep. However, things have changed in such a short period of time. Now, even when there is the privacy and the liberty to cry my heart out, the tears just somehow doesn’t show, however hurt is the heart beneath. If this is a way to handle emotions, I swear this it is the worst one I’ve ever come across because no matter how blasé you try to act, the problems would still have to be addressed at the end of the day.

However, how to handle the problems is yet another problem, especially when I can’t really identify them. Again, I’ve chosen to shun – at least for the time being.