A Can of Lychees

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Father Larry Lorenzoni

Early last year before entering Form Six, I worked temporarily at the customer service counter of a departmental store. My job as a customer service assistant included all sorts of things ranging from redirecting phone calls to making announcements through the PA system. And not to mention, braving barrage of cursings from dissatisfied customers who came to the counter to vent their anger more than to file complaints.

Despite the wide range of “odd jobs” we covered, gift-wrapping was the main sevice our list of duties. Though it could be very hectic during festive seasons, it was not short of amusing encounters. Some people can be very creative (and cheeky) when it comes to buying presents.

Once, there came a Vietnamese who wanted a present to be wrapped. It was a wedding gift to one of his friends. I could no longer recall what was the main item he bought, but he asked for a small box to dump it in together with a couple of CD’s in a black plastic bag. Charles, my Indian colleague looked at him in a manner – which made me so confused – and grinned like an accordion. The Vietnamese guy had a mischievious look on his face, too.

“It’s blue film,” Charles whispered to me.

Oh.

Being a kind friend as he was, the guy even bought his friend a packet of condoms. Wow, how thoughtful!

Working there for three months, my colleague, Gilbert (who was also working temporarily like me) and I got infected by the creative bug as well. We decided to buy something “special” for everyone on our last day at work.

And so, we gave a chinese brush to Charles, who didn’t know Chinese – of course, he could have given it to his daughter as a paint brush. Sam, our supervisor who didn’t own a car was given a bottle of battery water – unless he planned to drink it as distilled water, it would practically come to no use to him. On the other hand, we bought Woondy, the PR officer a “Please Flush After Use” sticker for her toilet – primarily because we couldn’t come up with something better. As for Miss Cheah, the other PR officer, we gave her a packet of bee hoon – that was her nickname.

I guess those are the sins I have to atone for, when I unexpectedly became a victim to my “thoughtful” classmates.

I skipped school last Friday since we are doing nothing much in school currently. The weather was perfect for me to hibernate at home. Then, too, it was my birthday and going to school on your birthday isn’t a very sound idea, considering all sorts of things that could possibly happen to you, as is the “culture” of hormone-enraged teenagers.

Mr Wise Guy’s dissapointment could be vaguely sensed in his SMS: “Hey, why are you absent? We’ve bought you a birthday present!” What I could not sense, though, was the evil grin on his face.

Oh, how sweet! So I thought until I received a second message from a teacher who, in a jeering tone, informed me that my present was a can of lychees!

What the heck!

For the same reason, I think we should be buying fish balls or prawns for Chris’s birthday next month.

To those who know the intended meaning of this cruel prank: you can stop laughing now! To those who catch no ball: sorry for losing you!

In another unrelated matter, I’m still having a headache deciding what to buy for my friend’s birthday next week. Maybe something he’ll never get a chance to use. Something like a brassiere, perhaps?

By the way, I hope no one finished my can of lychees during my absence from school!

Exam Woes

Why study for exams.... Are they not about what you know, not about how much you can cram into your head the night before? ~Anonymous

To say STPM is around the corner is technically inapropriate. For goodness sake, it is just directly ahead!

Except for the rare, few weirdos with an inexplicable penchant for exams, they are more of a taboo to most of us, even for us war-battered veterans who have gone through numerous “battles”.

Exam is a blood-sucking leech that sticks to you indefinitely, taking away all the pleasures of the learning process, especially in a place which adopts an exam-oriented education system. How are you supposed to enjoy when you’re studying merely for the sake of examinations? Just to quote someone, the system promotes rote learning: students memorise answers by heart instead of grasping the concepts and apply them accordingly in different situations. You go to tuition to be taught on answering techniques; you go to intensive classes and workshops for forecast questions. What the heck? This will certainly make Aristotle turn in his grave!

Worst still, some people tend to take exams a tad too seriously and adopt misguided strategies to prepare for the Big One. As a result, their lives are turned up-side-down, totally ruined. Let me give you a couple of examples. The names, of course, are obliterated to prevent them from becoming subjects of ridicule. By they way, I do ridicule them.

First of all, let’s dispel the myth that most students burn midnight oil before exams. Be it drinking coffee, taking stimulants or giving oneself an occasional smack in the face, these people are creative when it comes to keeping themselves awake. But have you heard of a case in which one could not get to sleep because he’s too nervous? This poor insomniac has developed a dependence on cough syrup to get himself to bed. Oh great Lord, talk about taking drugs!

Then, there is another one who has totally shuffled his biological clock by sleeping from eight in the morning to the evening, take his “breakfast” (do you have a technically correct term for this?), study for a couple of hours, take a nap then wake up at ten in the night, then study marathon till dawn. God bless this nocturnal soul!

As for me on the other hand, life goes on as usual. It’s still more play than work, more sleep than study, plus a couple of unaccounted-for missing hours each day.

What’s Up, Doc?

Disclaimer: This is a review of a blog which chronicles the loco life of a zany doctor. The reviewer shall not be held liable for any degradation of intellectual level which might possibly be incurred by gullible individuals as a result of reading the blog recommended.

Alright. Before we begin, you’ll have to take this oath. Raise your right hand and repeat after me. “I solemnly swear that I am legally insane and presently have nothing better to do than to condescend to sheer incredulity browsing Dr Liew’s blog.”

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the sane and the insane, I’m thinking of hosting a banquet in honour of Dr Liew, in which he shall be conferred the “Wackiest Loco of the Year”. I’ll tell you why in a short while.

You see, when it comes to being silly, no one beats this outstanding guy. Not the Chatterbox spammer who seriously believes he is the rightful king of the Maoris. Not the ridiculous girl who advised me to feed my computer chocolate and green tea when it plays tantrum. No, none rivals dear Dr Liew. Hmm, with the exception of Matt Groening, the guy who created Futurama.

As far as I can collect, Dr Liew is a doctor, duh. A medical doctor who has a clinic in Kuala Lumpur. At least that’s what he claims. If you’re one of those typical persons out there who associate doctors with over-stressed, poor souls who slave away 24/7 – either for the noble service for mankind, or for the pursuit of a five-digit income – think again.

Yes. Working in a clinic as a doctor can indeed be a tiring job but this guy, Dr Liew, manages to find time to share some light moments in his blog. Yes. Being a doctor can sometimes be frustrating but this guy, Dr Liew, has his own, uh, unique way of dealing with it. Oh, God bless the wretched soul when he tries to strangle himself with his stethoscope each time he has to bear with annoying patients!

About a month back, three days before the National Day on 31st August, Dr Liew, as a patriotic citizen decided to spread around the spirit of merdeka. He began by offering a code that allowed a clock or a calendar to be displayed on a website or a blog. Sure enough, some innocent bloggers took the bait and crammed in the applet.

Wow! Now my blog looks sophisticated! So they thought.

But, come 10pm sharp, just two hours before the National Day, Dr Liew replaced his applet with one that displayed the Malaysian flag and with the anthem playing in the background. Talk about patriotism!

Another advice is that you should shove away the common misperception that doctors tend to be health-conscious. At the very least, Dr Liew isn’t. When the rest of us are shunning eggs because of the health risks which may result from cholesterol, this maniac has a penchant for “ultra-high-cholesterol-instant-death-four-yolk” (or something like this) mooncakes. Forget about jelly-skinned mooncakes. Those are for sissies!

The most worrying part is that Dr Liew’s wackiness is infectious. He is zanny and so are his Rolly Polyclinic nurses (RPCNs). Or did it happen the other way round? Anyway, I can’t go into that with ease. Already, I’m facing the possibility of being dragged to court for a libel lawsuit. So, just pay the doc a visit! But make sure you’ve read my disclaimer!

Dr Liew’s Blog – http://www.drliew.net/

A blog review by Wacko the Loco. Love letters, condemnations, hate mail, fan mail and death threats are welcome at wacko@loco.com. (Don’t be silly. It’s nonexistent!)

Quarter-life Crises

We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end. ~Blaise Pascal

To Myself,

Do you still remember those innocent childhood days, when you used to wonder where beautiful seashells come from? Perhaps from never-never land where wonderful things happen?

The serene, calm bay did not hold much of your interest. Instead, you were more drawn towards exploring the wide, open sea. You thought you’d be glad when one day, you’re old enough to set out on your own course for the land unknown which held sweet promises. You just couldn’t wait to grow up.

Soon, you found yourself old enough to face the challenges of the real world; you knew you were no longer the weak fledgling confined to the nest. However warm it might be, you were eager to leave. And you did.

Without regret, you turned back to have one last look at the tranquil beach which was the only place known to you as home for all these years. The languid waves swept the beach, washing away the footprints that you left behind, and together with them, the nonchalant childhood which you were glad to part from.

The new found freedom was indeed a fresh experience. How glad you were that you’d finally embarked on your solitude journey of self-discovery. You were so sure that you wanted it to remain this way; you preferred to be left alone, to have the carte blanche of doing whatever you want without anyone bugging you. Yes, you wanted to be a solitary voyager.

But soon, the new-found bliss ended as you sailed further into the sea. The real world was not as wonderful as you thought. A storm raged, threatening to swallow you into the violent waters. You clung on for your dear life, praying for the storm to abate.

Yes, it did. And you were thankful that you survived. Nevertheless, there was no way of telling how long would the sea remain calm. You didn’t know when it would try to deliver the next fatal blow. God knows how many were to come. For the first time, the uncertainty of the future made you feel insecure.

You had nightmares; terrible dreams of being chucked into a void where not a soul resided. You cried for help, hoping that someone, anyone, would come to you aid. But no, your voice was only muffled to shameful whimpers.

That was when the feelings of rejection, incompetency and inadequacy set in. You finally conceded your impotence in handling the issues at hand. The harder you tried to undo the knots, the more you made in the process. Perhaps, that was the reason you felt as if you’re being drowned by the ever-pressing demands of life. Just like being underwater, things seemed within reach, until you really reached out for them; they are so close yet so far-fetched. Just like being underwater, you were struggling to hold your breath, but the water pressure threatened to crush your lungs; you knew you had to surface.

For a moment, you didn’t want to be alone. You wanted company. You yearned for the love from that special one whom you’ve been waiting to make her presence. “No, let not sentient thoughts cloud your judgement,” you reminded yourself. Yet, the confusion was overwhelming and you wondered if you were praying for what you really wished for.

My lad, listen to me for once. Doubtfulness and uncertainty come in a package when you’re facing quarter-life crises. But when you happen to gaze upon the starry sky one lonely night, assure yourself that you’re not alone, for there is always someone who’s there with you, that is, yourself.

From
Myself