Sunday, November 27, 2005 - 12:15 am

Osama Al-Invigilator

Come Mr Taliban, turn over bin Laden! ~Bin Laden Has Nowhere to Run (Banana Boat Song Parody)
He had a middle Eastern look. With his thick, black beard and kopiah, it wasn't a wonder that everyone started to think if he was a terrorist. In fact, he resembled the notorious bin Laden. Shucks! The test had already got on our nerves and yet, they sent "Osama" to invigilate us? Gosh! Talk about mental torment!

Luckily, though, this "Osama" didn't carry an AK-47 with him; neither did he strap himself with dynamite. So, chances were, we wouldn't be blown off the surface of the earth in the middle of the test. Wow, that was a relief, at least!

Well, it happened that Osama Al-Invigilator did not only had the looks of the world-renowned "celebrity", he had a great sense of humour too - which probably "killed" a number of students. Tan Sri and Koja the Maori King were among the unfortunate ones who were in the class invigilated by "Mr Osama" during Chemistry Paper 2 exam. You see, there was an essay question which required us to answer using "graphical method". Koja, being probably the first one to come to this question, raised his hand and asked for a piece of graph paper from "Mr Osama".

Maori King: Sir, graph paper please.
Osama Al-Invigilator: Huh? (Walks over to the Maori King)
Maori King: I need a piece of graph paper for this question.
Osama Al-Invigilator: (Reads question.) "Determine graphically the activation energy of... blah, blah, blah... (Frowns) The instruction doesn't ask you to draw a graph!
Maori King: Ahem! Graphically, just in case you missed, Dear Osama!
Osama Al-Invigilator: No, no. You just need to make a sketch!
Maori King: (Mouth hangs down like a cash register)

Spider Man who sat near the Maori King then asked for a piece of graph paper too.

Spider Man: Graph paper, Sir!
Osama Al-Invigilator: What?
Spider Man: Graph paper, please!
Osama Al-Invigilator: I said you don't need graph papers! Just sketch! (Curses under breath: Brats!) Anyway, just to satisfy you gentlemen... (Gets two pieces of graph papers and gives to the Maori King and Spider Man)

Later, someone else raised his hand and asked for a piece of graph paper too.

"Gah! I said you don't need graph papers! Damn it!" "Osama" boomed. No one dared to ask for a piece of graph paper after that. Certainly, they didn't want Dear Osama to literally explode.

It was a great thing that I wasn't invigilated by "Osama" during the exam. Otherwise, I'd have bugged him till he blew us off. I mean, heck! That question carried 8 marks! And of all the questions, this was the easiest one to score! If I were in the Maori King's position, I'd have blown off his beard there and then!

It is no wonder that Tan Sri wrote a parody of Banana Boat Song for "Mr Osama": "Come, Mr Osama, give me some graph paper! 10.30 come and me wan' go home!" He must be really pissed off!

Just for fun:
Banana Boat Song (*.Wav)
Banana Boat Song Parody I - Bin Laden Has Nowhere to Run (Flash) [Mirror Link]
Banana Boat Song Parody II (mp3)
Osama bin Laden Entertainment

Friday, November 25, 2005 - 12:31 pm

The Emancipation Proclamation

Freedom is the last, best hope of earth. ~Abraham Lincoln
Whereas, on the twenty-fifth day of November, in the year of our Lord two thousand and five, a proclamation was issued by the President of the Sixth-Form, containing, among other things, the following, to wit:

"That on the twenty-ninth day of November, in the year of our Lord two thousand and five, all STPM-ers of the year aforementioned, held as slaves in Sixth-Form within Malaysia, the STPM-ers whereof shall then be in rebellion against the Authority, shall be then, and forever free; and the Authority, including the Higher Education Ministry and the Malaysian Examination Council thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of such persons, and will do no act or acts to repress such persons, or any of them, in any efforts they may make for their actual freedom.

"That the Authority will, on the twenty-ninth day of November aforesaid, by proclamation, designate the Sixth-Form and parts of Sixth-Form, if any, in which the STPM-ers thereof, shall on that day be, in good faith, represented in the Congress of the Sixth-Form by members chosen thereto at elections of strong countervailing testimony, be deemed conclusive evidence that such State, and the STPM-ers thereof, are not then in rebellion against the Authority."

Now, therefore I, Datuk Dr Shafie Mohd Salleh, President of the Sixth Form, by virtue of the power in me vested as Commander-in-Chief, of the Higher Education Ministry of Malaysia in time of actual armed rebellion against the authority and government of the Sixth-Form, and as a fit and necessary war measure for suppressing said rebellion, do, on this twenty-ninth day of November, in the year of our Lord two thousand and five, and in accordance with my purpose so to do publicly proclaimed for the full period of four days, from the day first above mentioned, order and designate as the Sixth-Form wherein the STPM-ers thereof respectively, are this day in rebellion against the Authority.

And by virtue of the power, and for the purpose aforesaid, I do order and declare that all 2005 STPM-ers held as slaves within any Sixth-Form are, and henceforward shall be free; and that the Authority, cinluding the Higher Education Ministry and the Malaysian Examination Council thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of said STPM-ers.

And I hereby enjoin upon the 2005 STPM-ers so declared to be freed to abstain from studies unless in favour of masochism; and I recommend to them that, in all cases when allowed, they pursue pleasure faithfully for indulgence.

And upon this act, sincerely believed to be an act of justice, warranted by the Constitution, upon military necessity, I invoke the considerate judgment of mankind, and the gracious favour of Almighty God.

In witness whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the seal of the Authority to be affixed.

Monday, November 21, 2005 - 11:56 pm

Highly Explosive

Merovingian: I have sampled every language, French is my favourite - fantastic language, especially to curse with... You see, it's like wiping your arse with silk, I love it. ~The Matrix Reloaded
I'm about to rant and I expect some sympathy and empathy. If you can't possibly refrain from making hypocritical remarks, please leave. If you can't stand profanities and harsh language, please leave.

* * * * *
I've only used "bloody hell" once in this blog. And I think it is now justifiable for me to abuse it again. Bloody hell! Chemistry Paper 2 packed the deadliest blow! Ahem, allow me to quote Merovingian and swear in a bunch of French profanities: "Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d'enculé de ta mère!"

I think I can only blame myself for inadequate preparation. I wasn’t expecting something like this. This paper was the horror of all horrors; It was way tougher than last trial exam and all those questions from the other states! As if it wasn’t enough that I didn’t know some questions, carelessness struck again. Jesus H. Christ! I did not only skip a part of an easy question but made quite a number of foolish mistakes. Hell, this is so shitty!

I asked around to get assurance that I wasn’t the only one who thought the paper was tough. There were grim faces alright, but a lesson I learned from the hypocrites is not to trust everything they say. They may tell you that they’re going to fail the paper but end up passing with flying colours. Perverted nincompoops! Contemptible hypocrites! Why can’t they just answer me honestly?

On another matter, I hate it when people shoot it in my face, “Nah, you definitely don’t have any problem,” despite my telling them that I’m doomed. For Pete’s sake, when I say it’s tough, I really mean it. Similarly, when they asked me how was maths, I said it was easy and I really meant it too.

I’m really done this time! Hopeless! Doomed! Damned! Bloody hell!

For the love of God, don’t you even think of leaving a sarcastic comment. I’m currently highly explosive.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005 - 11:36 pm

A Bump On the Bahn

Four or five years from now, you will wonder when somebody called up to get technical support how they just used the phone to try and describe what was going on with their PC. ~Bill Gates
The caveman makes another mark on the wall with his hand axe. He has been doing so to keep track of the days passed since he applied for Streamyx.

“One, two, three… nine, twelve, ten, fourteen…” Wait, or is it thirteen? The caveman isn’t sure because he has never counted beyond ten. Man, it seems like an eternity!

He goes out of his cave and peers into the horizon. A silhouette is slowly crawling in his direction of his humble abode. Could it be… Yes! It is! The caveman’s modem has arrived! A woolly mammoth? No wonder it takes so long! However, the anticipation and excitement have doused his impatience; he is dancing his favourite war dance.

* * * * *
It has been a long wait, but who cares! It’s finally here! Man, I just realised that my dialup account is only left with a meagre RM 10 credit one month after my last top up. So, I had to play the disappearing act from the blogosphere. I should have reported in straight away after activating the Streamyx account but I couldn’t blog without guilt due to the exams. I guess, that’s a helluva reasonable excuse for being MIA! So don’t send me to the martial court, please.

The installation should be a breeze: connecting the cables, the splitter, the adapter… But, I couldn’t establish a connection because of some error 769! Bah! So I called technical support and asked for help. Ah Beng* guided me through a series of steps before coming to the conclusion that the modem must be faulty.

“If you get error 769, that means there’s some problem with your modem,” said Ah Beng. Oh, great! “You need to bring it to TM Point and get it checked,” he added.

Shucks! This was so frustrating but never mind, there’s a TM Point nearby.

* * * * *
The caveman rides on his mouse deer to the nearest TM Point, carrying along his club. He’s eager for some serious ass-kicking…

* * * * *
Ahmad: No, no, no! We don’t have the facility to test the modem here!
Me: What? Ah Beng from technical support asked me to bring it here and get it checked!
Ahmad: (Frowns) Anyway, just to satisfy you…

I followed him to a public computer free for use by TM customers. Ahmad connected the supposedly faulty modem and dialled a connection.

“Voila!” Ahmad grinned as if he had successfully executed a David Copperfield magic trick. There was a short pause and I wondered if he was expecting an applause.

Ahmad: See? There’s nothing wrong with your modem.
Me: But I got error message 769!
Ahmad: (In an as-a-matter-of-fact tone) That’s because you haven’t activated the account!
Me: But Ah Beng said it’s a hardware problem!
Ahmad: Apparently, he’s wrong.
Me: But… Ah, whatever! I’ll activate my account and try again.

When I got home, I gave Tan Sri, the tech guru, a call. He agreed that I try again after activation, which was exactly what I did. Siti* was on the line this time. I mentioned to her my ordeal anyway and was briefed through a series of steps. Oh my God! It happened to be a problem with the settings, which was rectified with a simple click! Heck! Talk about my rushing here and there and making all those phone calls.

Ah! Stupid me for simply changing the connection settings. Stupid Ah Beng for being such an Ah Beng. Stupid Ahmad for being so thick-skinned and so proud of his stupid diagnosis. Thank you, Siti, for helping me out!

*All names mentioned are fictitious – to protect privacy(?) – no, because I don’t know their names.

Saturday, November 12, 2005 - 11:59 am

The Battle Begins

Hold your ground, hold your ground. Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down, but it is not this day. This day we fight! For all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West! ~The Return of the King (LOTR)
A day before the war began, the first battle was lost. The battle with insomnia.

Shucks! For someone like me who can easily sleep up to twelve hours a day and yet yearn for more, getting insomnia is nearly as impossible as the sky falling down. (Unbelievably, it has happened at least twice now; so you can start worrying about the sky falling down.)

The first one happened after I took teh tarik during dinner. Someone must have spiked my drink with stimulant because that night, I tossed around in my bed till dawn, unable to sleep. Man, the night was a long one!

That was when I learnt that insomnia is an awful experience you wouldn’t want to taste a second time. Unfortunately, the sadistic sandman has the inexplicable penchant for torturing us mortals. Worse still, it was most untimely that he chose me as his victim a day prior to the first day of my exam!

I went to bed at eleven that night, telling myself I needed more sleep for the big day. Imagine my horror when I got the message: “Brain 2005® failed to shut down”. God, how could this be possible? After all, it went into sleep mode all the time in the afternoon when I didn’t want it to! Now that I wanted to shut it down, it didn’t want to?

So, I hit Ctrl + Alt + Del to prompt the Task Manager and looked under the Processes tab. RandomThoughts.exe was running in the background. I tried to end the process but couldn’t. Great, now how was I supposed to shut down?

My situation could only mean one thing – hormonal imbalance, or adrenaline over dosage, to be precise. I guessed the adrenaline running in my veins was more than enough to pump up a whole army of men! Hey, just because I look calm doesn’t mean that I’m not nervous. It’s the dreaded STPM, just in case you forget!

“This is bad,” I told myself. I had to try something. So, I ran Meditation.exe, a program designed to let Brain 2005® focus on the breathing and to create a soothing effect. Alas, that didn’t work! Apparently, RandomThoughts.exe was draining too much of processing memory! I was reminding myself to lend Tan Sri Futurama Season 2; I was planning my activities after the exam; I was thinking of this and that… No!

I daren’t look at the clock. But I reckoned at least two hours had lapsed and I still couldn’t get to sleep! For God’s sake, I had to wake up at six the next morning! (Uh, I think I’d drifted into “the next morning”…) Finally, I managed to sleep roughly around one… until the rain woke me up. Sigh, I saw no end to my suffering! In the end, I’d caught an estimated three hours of sleep, one of my lowest record.

Luckily, I was able to stay awake throughout the three hours of the maths paper. I hate to brag but I breezed through the twelve question in 100 minutes – though I realised after the exam that I made a stupid mistake. Well, there goes my perfect score!

*This post is backdated.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005 - 11:09 am

Don't Sue Me!

Disclaimer /dıskleımə(r)/ noun (formal) a statement in which sb says that they are not connected with or responsible for sth, or that they do not have any knowledge of it. ~Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, 7th Edition
What has happened to free speech? Two Singaporean bloggers were charged under Sedition Act. I agree that the world has no place for racists and extremists, but these bloggers had Muslim friends who could attest that they didn’t have racist sentiments. And, what? S$10,000 each to be on bail? If that happens to me, I'll be sleeping in the lockup for good!

Disenfranchised Girl has just put up a disclaimer in her blog for the sake of “protecting [herself] from whatever laws”. She’s quite right. Being a frequent blogger myself, who knows one day the police would come knocking at the door and arrest me for something I’ve posted on my blog?

Besides, suing people can be lucrative too. Haven’t you heard of the news about a smoker who sued a tobacco company, demanding compensation for not warning him apropos the dangers of smoking? What else couldn’t be possible when there’s such a preposterous case? If you have enough money to hire an attorney who is clever enough to manipulate the law, filing lawsuits can be a profitable investment.

Better be safe than sorry. It’s time for me to put up a disclaimer too. Unfortunately, I’m simply too poor to hire a lawyer to draft it. So, I’ve to pen it myself.

I don’t know enough Latin to make it sound like a formal disclaimer. Neither is it long-winded enough like those clauses found in the constitution. Never mind, this is for the benefit of laymen out there like me. But, let’s just hope it’s legit in court… Anyway, voila! Here it is!

Disclaimer: The blogger is a busy man who tends to form opinions before getting his facts right, just for the sake of saving time. He is also known to be too smart sometimes to understand what he says. A priori, he shall not be held responsible for any opinions posted in this blog. Should you be offended by his subjective and partial views, kindly send him a death threat via email.

I hate to disappoint you, but, just forget about sending me the death threat. My mailbox is currently full with fan mail and love letters.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005 - 10:51 am

“esreveR” Speech

It has been called the discovery of the 7th sense. The research into this phenomenon has been described as being of "Nobel calibre". It has been featured in numerous publications around the world, and in the United States it became a household name in the late 90s. It is called Reverse Speech, the phenomenon of hidden backward messages in speech. It initially gained worldwide fame in the early 80s as those strange backward messages in rock and roll. Since that time, research has progressed significantly and it is now known to exist in all forms of human speech. ~ReverseSpeech.com
It’s amazing how funny things sound when you listen to them backwards. Any kid can recite A to Z but have you tried doing it in the reverse – from Z to A? Okay, that’s freakish. Or maybe, you want to try to reverse the sentence components when you speak – object, subject then predicate – instead of the grammatically correct way. Alright, that’s Yoda-ish.

But what happens when you play your favourite song backwards? They sound like gibberish. Sometimes, however, you may get a few sensible phrases amongst the nonsense. This is know as “reverse speech”, a curious hypothesis first put forward by David John Oates.

Wow, how lucky was I to have stumbled upon this term! Tan Sri told me that you can hear Satan’s voice by playing Hotel California backwards. He didn’t know what they call that phenomenon, though. (Erratum: It isn’t Satan’s voice but the phrase “Yeah Satan (gibberish) organised his own religion”.

I’m always interested in bizarre things. So, I wanted to try it out – if only I know how to play the song backwards! It happens that Hotel California is a classical example of the so-called “back-masked songs” and the file is available on ReverseSpeech.com, together with loads of other samples.

Essentially, the theory of reverse speech explains that it has to do with the development of human speech. “Children speak backwards before they do forwards. Then, as forward speech commences, the two modes of speech gradually combine into one, forming an overall bi-level communication process.”

Covert speech is actually the subconscious mind speaking, but is masked by overt speech. Some even take a step further by claiming that it is possible to detect lies through reverse speech. “If a lie is spoken forwards, the truth may be communicated in reverse.” If you ask me, I’d say it’s quite hard to believe.

However, reverse speech would not have gained so much popularity as it did, had the back-masked messages not made direct reference to Satan more often than not. This of course, deeply stirred the religious zealots like those ignorant people who believed in witchcraft and black magic back in the Dark Ages. Satan has possessed the minds of the singers, they say. Well, considering the neo-Satanism messages hidden in some heavy metal songs in those days, the fear is understandable.

I downloaded some of the more interesting songs from the website and had to listen to them more than once before actually getting the “message”, even though I knew what exactly to listen for. (I suggest the use headphones so that they sound clearer.) For instance, the Night Prowler (must be some really old song) has the covert message, “Oo, Listen to me, I'm from hell… (Gibberish, blah, blah, blah)… I'm the Lord Lucifer.” And when the song was played backwards at a lower speed, it sounded rather spooky! Now, I have problems sleeping at night as my imagination works overtime. Sigh, timid guy!

The Beatles’ albums hinted of Paul McCartney’s death – even though we know he’s still alive – using back messages and plenty of clues in their lyrics and album covers. There’s an interesting theory behind it, that he is replaced by his look-alike. Certainly, many dismiss it as a hoax. Anyway, that’s a different subject. I digress.

And, yeah! While you’re at it, here’s an interesting one worth trying out. I’m sure you know the Popeye theme song. Listen to it backwards and golly, you hear obscenities! Cool! It doesn’t sound like what they say it should be, though.

Hmm, I wonder where I can get a software which can play songs backwards…

Monday, November 07, 2005 - 11:06 am

Ghost Hunters

Ghost were people too. ~The Atlantic Paranormal Society
Blogthings.com has a miscellany of inane tests which no one cares to take a look except those who have nothing better to do. “What’s your hidden talent”…“What’s your power colour”… “How weird are you?”… I know I’m going to offend lots of people but – nah, those are rubbish, rubbish, rubbish! Blogger calls such things add-ons? Bah!

One day, though, I joined the ranks of those whom I arrogantly call “seriously bored people” and tried out a pointless test at Blogthings to find out my religious philosophy. Oh, I’m an atheist, I found out. Duh! As if I need any confirmation on that!

Last Halloween, ChoicesUK carried out a survey to find out the general belief of Britons. Surprise, surprise! 68% out of 2,012 people surveyed believed in the existence of ghosts and spirits, compared to 55% who believed in the existence of god.

Queer though it sounds, while my feeble mind fails to conceive the idea of some higher power pulling on our strings, I don’t reject the existence of ghosts. Neither do I believe in their existence. I’m just a sceptic. Now that Halloween is over, I feel more comfortable to voice my opinion on this subject, which to some people, is a taboo to even discuss about.

Believe it or not, there is an organisation in America which dedicates itself to the investigation of paranormal activities. Every now and then, The Atlantic Paranormal Society (TAPS) receives phone calls from members of the public seeking help in verifying the paranormal activities which they allegedly witness. Of course, TAPS volunteers are more than glad to look into the claims, collect evidence and draw conclusions objectively based on the analyses of the data acquired. Some of the intriguing investigations are aired on Star World and I’ve been following a few episodes of Ghost Hunters now.

Some of the usual procedures TAPS follows during an investigation is to test for EMF fluctuations, sudden temperature drops, take EVP’s and record video footage for analyses.

EMF stands for electromagnetic field. There are EMFs all around us – power cables, power supplies, electrical appliances. Basically, the theory is, sometimes when you get very high EMF readings but can’t pinpoint any possible source for the fluctuations, it probably comes from a paranormal being. Scientists just can’t explain the phenomenon. That’s why we call them paranormal activities in the first place.

Also, when a paranormal being tries to manifest itself, it needs to draw energy from the surrounding, hence resulting in a sharp drop in temperature. This explains why witnesses reportedly feel cold when they supposedly see a ghost around. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote a fiction story, “The Land of Mist” which narrates the experience of young Malone who joined the spiritualists as a sceptic initially. The spiritualists claimed that the human spirit takes on a new form of life after death. However, it is possible for paranormal beings to take on physical forms by feeding on a kind of energy known as ectoplasm. With the help of a medium, the being can manifest itself in a séance. The theory extends that a place with frequent activities has a strong medium residing in the area.

Unfortunately, if you’re trying to convince sceptics about the existence of paranormal beings, EMF and temperature readings just aren’t enough. You need solid evidence. That’s where EVP’S (electronic voice phenomena) come in. These TAPS investigators walk around the place holding a tape recorder to record electronic voice – sounds which our ears are not sensitive enough to hear. The recordings have to be amplified using computer software to the audible range before they can be analysed. Interestingly, TAPS actually managed to get some EVP’S in the more fruitful investigations. They even make it available on their website so that sceptics can hear for themselves and decide.

Once, they were called in to investigate a haunted house in Pennsylvania. A lady claimed that there were four beings in her house – a man, a woman, a boy and a girl. The investigators actually recorded the voice of the “boy” and the “girl”! One was, “Can I come in?” and the other was a rasp whisper, “They don’t want us here.” TAPS confirmed that the voices did not come from “anyone” in the house. Creepy, no?

Of course, most people would prefer “visual evidence”. That’s why they have video footage.

Race Rock Lighthouse was allegedly haunted by the ghost of a keeper. The coast guards who went there once in a couple of weeks to check the lights reportedly had an uneasy feeling when they were inside the lighthouse. Then, plus those many ships that sunk nearby, voila! You have a perfect seafarers’ ghost story! TAPS spent a night in the lighthouse. One of the investigators sat in the attic to “get a feel of the place”. He later left the stifling attic using the only entrance, leaving behind a chair and a camera set up in the room. Moments later, it was caught on video that the chair shifted! There were certainly no extension wires nor anyone else in the attic. Something moved the chair alright but it doesn’t prove there was a ghost.

Although TAPS try to be objective in its investigations, sometimes, they rely on the sixth sense. It’s easy to say that a place has a “heavy feeling” or that “somebody is watching me”, but how can that be convincing? Besides, if you did see an apparition but have no evidence of it whatsoever, how are you going to prove it?

Take, for example, their case in Eastern State Penitentiary, Philadelphia. One of the investigators and a cameraman took a walk in the long, dark corridor. Suddenly, they screamed and ran away from it like headless chickens. They claimed to have seen a shadow when the cameraman was taking a photo. It sounds creepy alright, but I don’t count that as a solid evidence. The lead investigator and another guy reportedly saw dark shadows too when they went to investigate but again, none of those were caught on video. Interestingly, however, an apparition was recorded moving towards the camera in the corridor and later retreated. Unfortunately, it was quite blurry since the video was taken in the dark.

So, when it comes to the existence of ghosts, I remain a sceptic. Man shall always be curious and fearful of the unknown. But, regardless of that, he will never stop trying to seek an explanation. Sigh, how I hope I am not such a scaredy-cat.

Addendum: Some evidence can be found on the TAPS website –videos, pictures, EVP’s. Unfortunately, these days, I don’t trust too much on visual evidence too. Remember the Thai horror movie, Shutter? They reportedly have a collection of genuine photographs of paranormal beings. My classmate caught an apparition on film too during an outing but it didn’t take the Ghostbusters to figure out it was actually a glitch in the digicam. Perhaps, I’ll come back to this some other time.

Friday, November 04, 2005 - 11:21 am

Sleeping, the Greatest Indulgence

Studies show that the length of sleep is not what causes us to be refreshed upon waking. The key factor is the number of complete sleep cycles we enjoy. Each sleep cycle contains five distinct phases, which exhibit different brain- wave patterns. ~Center for Applied Cognitive Studies
It was 4.30 in the morning. I looked out of the window. No one else had their lights on except me. “Congratulations,” I said to myself, “You’re the earliest one to wake up this morning!” But, no prize for that.

I brushed my teeth, took a pee and changed my clothes. Usual routine. Then, I switched on my computer and played some mp3s. Heh, it took more than self-discipline to not turn up the volume. A little reveille for everyone? Wakey, wakey! I was just wondering if it was possible to send Mr Kam from the ground floor or Mr Wong from the top floor banging on our door while still in their pyjamas.

Do I hear you say, “You’ve a lose nut!”? Maybe. I don’t wake up until 5.30 during school days. Early, but not as early as today. It wasn’t about racing to wake up before the sun or that I missed my worm for waking up so late these days when I no longer go to school. (I didn’t miss anything except the sunrise.) It was only part of an experiment – thanks to an article discovered via Lydia’s blog.

Glen Rhodes boasts of a technique that allows one to sleep better, and therefore less. It’s about quality, not quantity. I’m not sure how many advocates he has out there, but I was certain I wouldn’t want to deprive myself of sleep. When I read on, then only I realised there was more to it.

It’s about sleep cycles. Though it varies from individuals, it has an average of 90 minutes. The key is to wake up after completing a few cycles. It doesn’t matter how many cycles you complete as long as you don’t wake up in the middle of one. So, it’s important not to use an alarm clock. Okay, I tried that but couldn’t wake up early the next morning because I slept like a log!

The second thing is to be biphasic instead of being monophasic. Glen claims it’s important to take an afternoon nap. Again, one or two cycles. Don’t disrupt any sleep cycle until it’s complete. Well, no problem at that. I usually nap in the afternoon for as long as I feel like it. Is it a coincidence that it normally lasts for one and a half hours?

My latest experiment was a success, considering that I woke up without an alarm clock. I couldn’t calculate how long I slept exactly, though. I went to bed at 9.30 last night but it took me quite some time before I got to sleep. (Hey, it won’t be easy when you’ve been staying up past midnight for the previous two weeks!) I woke up from a nightmare at approximately 1.30. (Don’t expect me to divulge my dreams like somebody did!) From then till the moment I really got up, three hours lapsed. Two sleep cycles. Coincidence, again?

Unfortunately, barely three hours after waking up, I curled up snugly in my bed and began to sleep again. Hm… Cosy! Hey, blame it on the weather if you want to!

One thing for certain is, I don’t think I want to do this again.

Gay Versus Straight

…the only reason they’re so darned attractive in the first place is precisely because they’re not straight, and have no intention of ever being so. ~Trixie Kwan, Star Weekend columnist
“There must have been some mistake!” Poor guy! Oh, how sorry I feel for him. He’s in total denial!

Raptor is a typical guy who brandishes his virility, for he rejoices in the nickname “Wanker” not without earning it. What could have dealt a deadlier blow than having the Gender Genie to break to him the depressing truth that his style of writing has a feminine touch? I’m sure nothing is capable of shattering his boyish ego more than this!

Being the first one who had the heart to tell him the sad news, I’m obliged to at least offer consolation and comfort him. It was by chance that I came across an article in Trixie Kwan’s column, “The Ideal Guy” (Star Weekend, Saturday 29 October 2005), which I think will interest not only Raptor but others as well.

“All a girl wants is a man more desirable than herself: a gay man.” Oh my God, I need to get myself a new pair of reading glasses! But, after reading it thrice – or at least twice – I was certain that my eyes were alright.

Sometimes, I think the word “gay” can be rather confusing. More often than not, the term conveys the wrong message, causing embarrassing situations due to its stigma. So, to make sure I got the right meaning, I read on.

“…What I mean to point out is that many a gay man has what it takes for a girl, in a way that straight men rarely do.” Boy, that was the greatest piece of crap I’ve ever heard! Unluckily, since I’m a guy, I don’t have a say on what is exactly the kind of ideal guy a girl wants. So, Raptor, cheer up! You may have the best of luck when it comes to hooking gals – as long as you remain straight!

Anyway, I’d still like to make my stand against this preposterous claim.

Yes, looking for a guy with manly traits may not be an attainable dream for every girl. But that’s no reason to despair! A belle courting a macho-looking guy who stinks with testosterone paints a perfect picture of “Beauty and the Beast”. So, why not settle for a normal, straight guy instead of falling for a cute gay guy who appeals to you in all ways except when it comes to his sexual orientation?

Girls, let’s get this straight, okay? Don’t get misinformed whatsoever by Trixie’s misguided view and fall for gays! Your potential suitors will certainly grieve miserably! Who says only gays can be sensitive, metrosexual and funny? Straight guys can be equally witty, charming and flirty too! I dare say any guy out there can attest to this. Right?

As a reminder to guys, let this serve as a wake up call. Something must be terribly wrong when a girl starts to prefer gays to straight guys. We’ve got to show the girls that desirable, straight guys are not extinct yet!

For the record, I have to make it clear that I’m not against gays. I just feel that someone needs to stand up for the guys and redeem our honour. As a precaution nevertheless, I shall say no more lest Sir Elton John decides to bring me to the court.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 - 12:18 pm

The Gender Genie

…At last he clasped his hands in prayer, and in so doing rubbed the ring, which the magician had forgotten to take from him. Immediately an enormous and frightful genie rose out of the earth, saying: "What wouldst thou with me? I am the Slave of the Ring, and will obey thee in all things." ~Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp
“Hey, honey! Look at what I’ve found. The Gender Genie! Now you don’t have to go for the ultrasound scan!”

Wait, no! Ultrasound imaging is not in the Gender Genie’s resume. He can’t determine the gender of a baby in the womb. He’s only adept at distinguishing an author’s gender by analysing a sample of his/her work.

You see, it is found that males and females have different styles of writing. It is therefore possible to determine the sex of an author by analysing his/her work. What the Gender Genie does is to compare the ratio of certain words appearing in a 500-word sample text. Because some of these words are used more frequently only by those of a particular sex, the Genie is able to guess the gender of the writer with an accuracy of 80%, as the programmer claims.

Hmm, curious. So, I gave it a try by letting the Genie analyse one of my blog posts. “The Gender Genie thinks you’re a male!” Wow, how true! Then I tried another one. Male. And another one. Male. And another one. Male, too! That’s an accuracy of 100% for my case!

June thought it was kind of fun. So, she chucked in one of Raptor’s blog posts. With all those swear words he used, she reckoned it wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to tell that it was from a guy. But, surprise, surprise. The Genie thought the sample came from a girl! What that implies, I leave it to your imagination… Heh!

I then randomly picked a post from a few blogs and ran the test. The results are as follows.

June. Male. To this, she adamantly remarked, “Who says a girl can’t be a tomboy?”
Disenfranchised Girl. Female.
Tan Sri. Male.
Dan. Male.
CW Tan. Male.
Lin. Female.
Lydia. Female.
EA Cheng. Male

So, the verdict? The Genie is rather accurate, except for some "exceptions"!

Car Wash

Hey, get your car washed today. Fill up and you don’t have to pay. ~Car Wash, theme from Shark Tale
A neighbour just moved in and his parking lot is just next to ours. My mom had a look at his Kancil and complained that it was in an “intolerably dirty” condition.

I’m not an automobile buff. Poor people like me don’t (and can’t afford to) treat a car as an object of obsession. My mom isn’t obsessed with cars either, but she can be quite rigid when it comes to the cleanliness of her car. She’s constantly bugging me to wash the car.

“Not again! Didn’t I just wash it three days ago?” I’d plead. However, the reply I’d usually get is a sharp “no”.

“Don’t forget you’re driving the car too and therefore you have the responsibility to keep it clean!”

Sigh. My mom isn’t the only person who is over-conscious about the cleanliness of her car. Firstly, there’s David from the ground floor whom I notice, cleans and waxes his prized Kia on every alternate day. Okay, maybe I have a bad memory, but I swear he cleans it more often than the average person would!

Then, there are the two sisters from the other block who dominate the car wash bay for at least one hour every Sunday evening. So, if I were to wash the car on Sunday, I’ll have to do so before five. There were a few times that I went late and had to wait really long for them to brush the tyres, scrub the car till spick-and-span, and patiently dry the body with a piece of cloth. Not really long, actually. Maybe just enough for you to grow a beard or perm your hair twice.

My car wash routine, on the other hand, is over-simple. First, hose the body of the car once. Then, mix car shampoo with a pail of water and scrub the car with sponge. Hose again, and you’re done! Easy, huh? It’d usually take only ten minutes. Actually, five minutes is the record I achieved last Sunday.

You see, the car wash bay has some tall trees which are infested by giant red ants. My neighbour got stung by them on a few occasions and had terribly painful swellings; my father is probably allergic to the ant’s bite and gets rashes all over the body when he’s stung. He got bitten twice and had to get injections and take antihistamine.

Last Saturday was my turn to get a taste of the ant’s bite. It came as a sharp sting. When I look down at my hand, there it was! The giant Amazonian red ant clamped on the little finger on my right with its oversized mandibles! Holy cow! I shook it off my finger instead of squashing it. That, I think was a wise move because who knows, it might excrete toxin that would have caused severe skin irritation. Remember the rove beetles in Seberang Perai?

I wasn’t sure whether my pinkie is going to survive, so I finished washing the car in record time and rushed home for an “emergency” treatment – lime juice to neutralise the ant’s saliva which is alkaline. Well, it actually worked! No swelling, and it didn’t even hurt unless I poked it. Ha-ha, and no allergic reaction too, thank goodness! How silly was I to worry so much.

Anyway, now I have an excuse for not washing the car!

Thank God I’m still alive and kicking. Except… Aw, itchy, itchy!